turn it down a thousand

no longer on the fence

2011-08-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

on July 24, NY legalized gay marriage. yup, i'm bringing this up again.

i'm tired of being on the fence about this. i don't like the torn feeling i get inside whenever i read about gay marriage. i wish i saw this as black and white as it seems many already do, but it is very grey to me. not long ago, interracial marriage was a heated discussion, and how crazy is it to think that anyone would protest Sam and i from getting married?

i've done a lot of thinking, and i've finally come to some conclusions that i am happy with and that gives my little heart a sense of peace.

first of all, if we are going to start at the beginning, when you put a man and a woman together, they can make a baby. a male plus a female equals the creation of life. whether you believe in God or not, you can't argue with nature. whether it's people, micro-organisms, trees, daffodils, cats or dogs, you have to have a male and a female to procreate the next generation of life.

i think that those who support marriage as only being between a man and a woman are arguing that that is how God, or "nature," intended things to be. because marriage is much more than about love, it's also about establishing a family unit, having kids and stuff, and raising them to be the next generation of a community/society. the next president, the next Steve Jobs, the next doctors and teachers. technically, two men or two women put together cannot make a baby. so when people say that gay marriage is an "attack on the family," i think that is perhaps what they are referring to???

on the other hand, obviously we live in modern times, and it is possible for two men or two women to start a family. there's in-vitro, surrogacy and adoption. anybody who wants to have children can, which is really a wonderful blessing. well, that is unless you are still in high school.

gay marriage supporters argue that it isn't fair to gay couples that they are not allowed to receive the same rights and benefits from the law/government that straight married couples receive. they say that gay couples who are committed to each other for life just want to be treated like any other married couple under the law. yes, why not? equality for all. no discrimination. basic human rights, i get all that. i don't see anything wrong with it.

what is more important to me is, are gay couples who are granted the benefits of marriage willing to take on the responsibility that marriage requires of them? one of those being an obligation to start a family? or maybe that's just me to think that it is even an obligation at all? maybe i shouldn't word it that way. how about "opportunity"? but that's not right either, being unmarried hasn't stopped anybody from having children.

well, anyway, i'd like to think that many gay couples want children. of course, we all know it's not required by law that every married couple must have children, but it's kind of expected that they will ...

(and for those who say, "there's already too many kids, the world is over-populated," well, once you figure out a way to get those extra millions of kids to the U.S. and teach them what it's like to live in America and convince them to take care of you when you're older, let me know.)

(and, for those who don't want children, i'm not trying to attack you. if you don't want them, i don't want you to have them either.)

ok, so what i'm trying to say is, if a major purpose of marriage is to reproduce and have a family which is that fundamental unit of society, and gay couples can do that just as well as straight couples with today's modern technology, and they WANT to have families, why stop them? with marriage on the decline, and having children on the decline, if gay couples want to step in and help us pro-marriage and pro-family people out, please! welcome to our world. and just think, if lots of gay couples decided to adopt children, oh my gosh, now that is when i will be crying tears of joy. so many children need loving homes and parents.

i've said this before in my first post about gay marriage (and here's my second post), i don't think it's fair to say that anything other than a mom, dad and kids is not a family. i do think that a child with his/her mom and dad to raise them is ideal, but that is not the only successful way.

what upsets me about this whole issue is the hate and bashing that goes on from both sides. and it also upsets me that kids right now who are raised over-conservatively while these issues of gay marriage are so prevalent are growing up thinking gay people are bad, or that something is wrong with gay people, or worse, that they think they are somehow better than gay people. it is not cool to judge people like that.

so, in conclusion, i support the legalization of gay marriage because i am pro-family and pro-equality. the same reasons why i would support the legalization of interracial marriages 50 years ago (yes, only 50). and no, i am not supporting this because i want to appear like i'm so cool, or so i can be seen as one of those liberal, i'm so open-minded, creative types. this is serious, and very close to my heart.

hold on though. at the same time, i still have my religious beliefs, and that may seem hard to understand for a lot of you. i believe in a God that created man and woman with specific gender identities, and that His definition of marriage is between a man and woman only. i don't understand why there are same-sex preferences if God did not intend them to be that way, but i have to have faith that there is an explanation for everything because i know that God loves all of His children. i would hope that people who don't believe as i do would respect my beliefs and appreciate that i am not trying to impose them on the rest of the world.

to the graduating class of 2011

2011-06-30T18:28:00.000-07:00

last week my little sister graduated from high school. she is now the same age i was when i met Sam. and now i am old and married and a mom. ha!

my sister is a smartypants and was honored as her high school's salutatorian (second to the valedictorian). she even gave a speech at graduation. impressive.

while her speech was as complicated and hard to understand as the teenagers listening are themselves, since my sister likes to cram in as many big words as she can into everything she writes, she exuded confidence and poise. i was proud of her.

it made me think if i happened to be famous (or smart) and was asked to give a speech to a bunch of promising young minds, high school or college, what would i say?

i think the phrase, "follow your dreams" is incredibly vague and not at all helpful advice. if i followed my dreams, i mean, it just wouldn't make any logical sense. i dream about eating ice cream all day and that animals and toys really talk when humans aren't looking. i dream about living in paradise and not doing anything but laying out, getting massages and facials, and again, eating ice cream all day. not helpful.

here's a few speech-worthy things that come to mind:

don't be afraid to try new things, and if you find you're good at something, keep at it and maybe you'll end up liking it enough to make a career out of it. if not, keep on exploring and discovering.

think about others before yourself. our world today is more and more about self-indulgence and self-gratification, and it's quite sickening to me. from Facebook that encourages self-promotion (totally guilty here) to quietly growing trends like deciding not to have children because it's inconvenient.

trust in love.
ladies, you deserve to be career-focused. but do so with grace and with a cheerful attitude. it's still a man's world out there, no matter what the statistics say, and it's all too easy to turn into a bitch.
guys, you were born to be men. don't turn your back on that kind of responsibility.
be nice to everyone.
recycle. and hope for the day organic produce becomes affordable. until then, don't be afraid of fast food every now and again.
travel as much as you can, it's worth the investment. to me, life is about taking adventures, there is a whole world out there to learn about and experience!
it's okay to fail. everyone does. get up, dust yourself off, put a smile on your face, admit when you're wrong, learn from the mistakes, and get up and going with your life.
live in a big city at least once. there's nothing like the energy and excitement and the "living in the moment" feeling you get when you live in a looming metropolis. i've lived in LA and Chicago and loved every minute. while we're settled in suburbia now, and it's where we belong, there is just something magical about living in the city. you feel like you know stuff. you feel like you're part of something big and important. you feel like you know what it's like to be in the movies. you feel like your clothes look better, your shoes are cuter. the food tastes better. sounds a little weird, i know. it's hard to explain.

what would you say?

ode to baby fat

2011-05-31T10:02:00.001-07:00

one of the very bestest things in life.
just look at her yummy rolls.
eat her up
now.

daddies

2011-04-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

dads are special. i know this more than ever now that i have a daughter.

when i was a little girl, i didn't have a dad. the great thing about being a little girl, though, is that i didn't know any better ... well, that is until i did.

i was maybe 5 or so in a room full of other children. we were at church, and we were having a craft activity: making Father's Day cards. i distinctly remember kneeling on the floor happily coloring on some construction paper as i used my metal fold-up chair as a desk. i even remember writing in crayon, "Happy Father's Day," just like all the other kids were doing. i liked coloring.

then, it dawned on me. who was i going to give this card to? i have a mommy, i knew that. hm. boy, was i stumped. poor little girl Tatum. can you just see the confusion that must have been written all over my face? i think i gave my half-finished card to one of the adults in the room when i realized i didn't need to finish it, and then left wondering why i only had a mommy when everyone else had a mommy AND a daddy.

i was one of the lucky few whose single mothers re-married a good man. this good man became my "Daddy" when i was 9 years old, the only one i've ever known. now i had someone to make a Father's Day card for! but more importantly, i was given my very own new father, and he actually loved me!

and now, my Tess has a father who loves her. it has been some of the greatest and happiest moments of my life to watch Sam be a dad to Tess. there is such a special bond between them, even though it is me who actually spends the most time with her. her little angel face lights up whenever he holds her, talks to her or sings to her. when Tess was born, it was with Sam that she had her first "skin to skin" contact with while i got stitched up from my c-section. i love knowing that. i love knowing that Sam looked forward to those first moments with his first little girl.

to dads of daughters everywhere. you are so special.

thank you cards are overrated

2011-03-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

when you give someone a gift, do you expect a thank you note in return? i don't. i just assume the person is thankful, loves to receive gifts as much as i do, loves the gift and maybe even loves me a little more for choosing such an awesome gift.

however, when someone gives a gift to me, i get this constant nagging feeling about sending them a thank you card. the more time passes, the worse it gets. i would describe the feeling as exactly like when you owe someone money. not fun.

but if the people who give me gifts are like me and are not expecting a thank you card (although getting one is nice because getting fan mail is actually one of my favorite things) and know that i love them a little more for giving me a gift (ok, let's just be honest here, giving Tess a baby gift), then i don't really need to send out thank you cards and feel like i owe about a hundred people a whole bunch of money, right?

it's just that i am so behind in sending thank you cards. we were so blessed to receive an overwhelming amount of gifts which i am truly, truly thankful for. every day, i see baby stuff all around the house, 99.9% of it given to us, and i thank that person in my heart profusely. imagine dozens of bright happy flowers tossed at their feet, hugs, kisses and chocolate fountains.

is that good enough, or do i really need to send out thank you cards???? the list of people to send cards to is too long and growing, it wears out my poor little 2-to-3-hour-stretches-of-sleep-at-nights self to think about it.

how about this:

THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO GAVE US/TESS A BABY GIFT, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE CLOTHES/BLANKETS/TOYS/BOOKS/GEAR/ACCESSORIES/ETC. THAT YOU GAVE US. IT'S THE BEST/CUTEST EVER. IF YOU BROUGHT DINNER, I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE, BECAUSE I LOVE TO EAT FOOD I DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE. EVERYTHING WAS DELICIOUS. MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE LOVE.

TATUM+SAM+TESS

i know, i know. it's simply not good enough, is it? i'll get around to sending thank you cards, but now do i risk offending someone because the thank you card would be arriving late? or give off the impression that i can't manage my time or am lazy? blah.

meet Tess ... 2 weeks old

2011-02-22T14:20:00.000-08:00

love her. so. much.

bucking the trend

2011-02-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

Sam and i have come up with the best plan ever. when we're old, we're going to move into a senior community. somewhere that's warm and nice and quiet.

we'll have our own little home that'll look pretty much exactly like all the other homes in our little senior community neighborhood.

we'll have neatly trimmed yards that we don't have to take care of ourselves.

there'll be a senior community Center with a pool, a weight room and a large hall of sorts where all the seniors get together once a week for Bingo Night or Knitting Group.

there will be senior community bus tours where we get to go on trips with all our senior community neighbors and buddies; we can all just be old together, take pictures and wear loose-fitting mis-matched clothes and big floppy hats.

there will be some sort of nice path around the senior community for us to take our daily walks.

our kids and grand-kids will come visit us during the holidays, over summer or during Spring Break.

and the very best part, i mean, it's a rule of senior communities and we'd just be following the rules ... our kids can never, ever move in with us.

merry Christmas

2010-12-27T11:56:00.000-08:00

we had a quiet little Christmas, just the two of us, which ended up being simply and sweetly perfect. i'm not exactly in the greatest condition to travel (almost 8 months now) and considering this is the last Christmas we'll ever have with no kids, we thought we'd take advantage of this special time to enjoy things like sleeping in on Christmas morning! hope you enjoy the pics.

we have a pretty good collection of cute Disney ornaments, thanks to Sam. couple of my faves:

some other Christmas loveliness around the house.

a big thank you to everyone who sent us Christmas cards, we loved them.

Christmas Eve dinner: orange-pineapple glazed pork chops, festive green beans and cherry tomatoes and baked potato. and for dessert: German chocolate cake with homemade frosting.

gingerbread houses, so much fun. if only you could hear all the Christmas music in the background. i played it non-stop all day.

except mine caved in the next morning.

house decorations from the outside. i love how our tree is visible in our front window!! we get a real tree every year. this time around we tried out a Noble Fir. love it compared to the Douglas.

and last, but not least, we were sure not to forget about baby.

hoping for a Christmas miracle

2010-12-23T21:05:00.000-08:00

i've lost my wedding ring.

in 8+ years of marriage, this is the first time. you'd think that was a pretty good record, but i don't feel any better thinking that.

i love my wedding ring.

when Sam and i first got married, my ring had a cute little diamond in its center. i mean, when you're in your early 20's, what can you expect? a few years later, Sam bent down on one knee with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a new ring with a big gorgeous diamond in his other hand and proposed to me for the second time. i said yes and cried, just like i did the first time.

see how i am so devastated by this loss? this ring means the world to me. every time i look at it, i'm reminded how much my husband loves me. it's not often he spoils me in such a pricey way. (for those who know Sam, he likes to keep money, not spend it.) this whole ring getting lost thing is such a mystery, too. Sam can't help but in the tiniest way blame me losing my ring to what is often referred to as "pregnancy brain." but i just KNOW it's a case for an unsolved mysteries episode, like a ghost took it or something, versus my soft and decomposing brain not remembering where i put it .........

here's a re-cap of what i do know. i was making pizza for dinner, rolling out and pinching the dough over the counter-top. (hold up, before you get any ideas that i am pretty wonderful for making homemade pizza dough, think again. trader joe's sells pre-made pizza dough that all you have to do is roll out and bake. pretty awesome.) so anyway, i remember taking off my ring because it was getting dough in the cracks, and i didn't want it getting worse. i very clearly remember slipping it off my finger and setting it on the countertop, right next to my dough and flour area. i even looked at it with purpose, as if to say to the ring, "i see where you are, don't go anywhere."

from there, i finished making the pizza, we ate the pizza, it was delicious, we watched TV, and then we went into our bedroom to watch a Christmas devotional on the laptop while we cuddled, but unfortunately, we ended up just falling asleep. i awoke around midnight thinking, "omgosh, i have to clean the kitchen and feed the cat!"

so, i quietly got out of bed and cleaned the kitchen and fed the cat.

the next morning, i got ready as usual and was heading out the door for a Dr. appointment when i realized i didn't have my wedding ring on. i went to the bathroom to pick up my ring that i always set on the counter by my contacts case at night. it wasn't there. hm.

thinking quickly, i remembered taking it off while making pizza. i ran to the kitchen. sparkling clean. just how i like it. except, what the h*** happened to my ring????

so, either i somehow cleaned it up with everything else the night before, or, the cat did something to it. or, like i said before, a ghost took it.

we've searched EVERYWHERE. i've even interrogated Beastie, but she's not much help.

please pray for me! i'm really hoping for a Christmas miracle ...

7 months

2010-12-02T08:22:00.001-08:00

space

2010-11-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

here i sit in my brand spankin' new home office. oh, how i love it. Sam built it for me. how nice is that? here's a quick photo log from start to finish. well, it's actually not 100% finished yet, still a couple of walls to build out, but I "moved in" over the weekend and cannot seem to tear myself away. now i can work and feel like i'm at work. but it's more than that. it's my little Tatum nook. my very own personal little space. some of you out there may have your own craft room, well, now i have my own office! thank you, Sam, you da bomb.

the cute "cheerful" banner was hand-made by my friend Natalie. as you know, i love the word cheerful. my name means cheerful. i strive to be cheerful no matter the situation. and it's the name of my home PR business.

so i haven't really moved from this spot all day. it is freezing and i can't bring myself to change out of my PJ's into normal clothes ... the thought of taking a layer off even if just to put on a new layer freaks me out. i mean, here's how cold it is in our house: i went to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and the butter that sits out in room temp meant for easy spreading was as hard and cold as a rock.

i guess it's happened, i've turned into my parents. i used to get so upset at them growing up when they wouldn't turn on the heater in the wintertime unless it was absolutely necessary in order to save money. i vowed i would never do that, i vowed i would turn on the heater (or AC) whenever i pleased. i wasn't going to be caught walking around indoors wearing outdoor accessories like a scarf, hat and jacket and a blanket ...

no, i do not love being pregnant

2010-11-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

lately i've been feeling incredibly guilty.

i know pregnancy is supposed to be this magical time, what with a new life growing inside of me and all, it's a miracle, right? but for me, it is anything but magical.

why, why, WHY are women always saying they love being pregnant? are they really telling the truth? i used to believe them, even though still a little skeptical, but if they said so, then great! i'm ready for this 9 month adventure. but now that i'm pregnant, 6 1/2 months in, i strongly wonder if i've been lied to this whole time. yes, i bet they're lying. maybe they're saying they love being pregnant to convince themselves that getting puffy and fat is awesome? that aches and pains in questionable areas is invigorating. that having more gas than your husband is something to brag about. and that swollen feet are comfortable. let's say they are telling the truth, that all these physical things don't matter because it'll all be worth it because it's your baby! then what the heck is wrong with me? why am i just not feeling it?

don't get me wrong, i love my baby already. but i just want her outta me. i've become obsessed with preemie babies lately because while they are almost fully-baked, they are still perfect in their own little ways, teeny tiny humans, proportionate, and most have a great chance of surviving. i keep thinking that if my baby was born now, she would very likely live and be just fine and dandy with modern medical help. and then, i start wishing i'd go into premature labor.

did i just say that? for those of you who are sensitive, pretend i didn't say that.

and why do people say pregnant women are the most beautiful creatures? that a pregnant belly is beautiful? i think it's awkward looking. borderline grotesque and unnatural. which is why i hate professional belly photos, oh please, cover that belly up! i don't want to see it. i think my belly is cute sometimes, but the bigger and bigger it gets, the more alien it gets. do i have one of those distorted circus mirrors? wait, no, it's just me.

what also makes me feel guilty is that several of my friends are suffering from infertility and here i am, pregnant and hating it. again, don't think i don't want to be a mom or that i don't want or love the baby. i just wish pregnancy wasn't a part of baby-making. i know, stupid, stupid thing to say, Tatum! it's like saying you want a diploma without going to college, impossible! get over it already! but i can't. anyway, i know there are women who would do anything to trade places with me, and that's what kills me the most. it makes me feel so ungrateful. that i'm not cherishing this blessing like i should be. then i feel guilty. so, so guilty. sometimes i'll start crying over some little thing because i feel so guilty. and so confused. why can't i love being pregnant?

and i've had a relatively easy pregnancy. i didn't get morning sickness, although i had an extreme flare-up of eczema, which, thanks to modern medicine is under control. but other than that, pretty blissful. i should be over the moon happy!

when i lived in Chicago, i was given a book that was a compilation of thoughts and stories from "real moms" in the "real world" as a welcome present. i finally decided to pick it up now that i'm going to be a mom. one of the stories really stood out to me, it's called, "The Reluctant Mother."

the woman in "The Reluctant Mother" sounds a lot like me. she's not enjoying pregnancy, feels like a "bellicose buffalo," and as she's being wheeled into labor & delivery, she's thinking, "my last moment of freedom." but -- and this is the best part -- when her baby's placed in her arms (a baby daughter, just like i'm having!), here's what she writes. and this gives me so much hope that i'll be able to at least endure to the end if not enjoy this pregnancy:

A nurse laid her on my right arm. I looked down at her, and she rolled her eyes to look up at me! Suddenly, within a breath, I was a fanged tigress, willing to tear apart anything that might threaten this tiny creature. I knew I could be a hissing snake, a raging grizzly, a berserk eagle, if necessary, to defend my offspring.

"I'll be darned," I whispered. "Is this motherhood?"
It was. Part of it. I soon discovered endless other aspects. Gentleness, tenderness, pure love, joy. It was as if a locked box inside of me had sprung open, spilling out magical jewels I didn't know I possessed.

picking up some old pieces of me

2010-10-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

often i'll start drafting a new blog post only to save it for later, either because i ran out of thoughts or just wasn't feeling it. today i went through all my old drafts and laughed at what i read. it's like seeing glimpses of an older and sometimes less wiser version of me, little pieces of my where my brain was wandering off to that day. i didn't feel the urge to finish any of them, mostly because they were so old! but i thought some were still worth sharing in their unfinished state.

3/26/10

"i learned something new today"

food, water, keys to survival right? there is one more if you want to have any friends as well as keep any friends that you already have.

because when you don't have kids, one by one your circle of friends disappears. not disappears completely, but they join this new mom world that i have yet to understand and leave you behind. they come back to visit you, but they live in the new world now. and you can't join in, not because you're uninvited, but because you literally just can't. unless you become a mom, too.

folks, i feel like a broken record on this blog and i'm so sorry all i do is vent here about the same old thing, but why does it feel like i'm just fighting the same battles? what is it that separates women who have kids and women who do not have kids? i swear it's not just in my head. it's something in the air, something tangible, something that resembles a fog, an iron wall.

and it's getting worse! like i said in the beginning, i think having kids is now key to survival. it's more than creating joy and a posterity, it's essential to not be totally alone in this world. i thought of the handful of women i knew growing up who never had kids because they were unable and i remember how they felt alone, too. i could never pinpoint it until now, but they all seemed "different" and kind of sad. sure, because they couldn't have kids and always wanted them, but also because not having kids must have totally isolated them from everyone else. think of all the conversations they felt left out of, the activities they never got to participate in or the experiences they never had, and most importantly, the ability to share and commiserate with other women.

1/13/10

"a new me"

gone are the days when a Nutrigrain bar was a perfectly healthy snack.

a few years ago, i went hiking with some friends and some friends of friends, and one of the friends of friends was this health nut who had apparently just lost a bunch of weight, like 50 lbs or something. after the hike, i was sitting in the car with her on the way back to our homes when i took out a Nutrigrain bar from my pack thinking it would be this great healthy snack to top off a great healthy work-out. i offered this friend of a friend half of it to share.

she took one look at my "healthy" snack as if i was offering her a tarantula in my hand and said to me, "if only you knew what was in that thing. no, thank you."

i immediately didn't like her, thought she was rude and weird, and called her crazy under my breath.

well now i need to bite my tongue, because she was right. i've put myself on a super healthy diet as part of my New Year's resolution to only consume healthy food that will do my body good. and i'm going all the way on this one.

i've cut out almost all meat, except fish. i still eat a tiny bit of regular meat to ensure i don't become allergic to it because i still want to be able to eat McDonald's again in my lifetime. i cut out dairy, or anything made from cow's milk, because it is hard on the digestive system. i still eat goat cheese, yum. i'm thinking i should still eat some cow's milk though, so my body doesn't get allergic to that either because i don't think i could ever live without ice cream either. ok, i'll make a mental note of that. i have also cut out eating bread with with yeast because it fermets in the body which becomes food for germs and fungus that produce alcohol which interferes with the body's natural detoxification process. who knew? i don't really mind this. i miss bread, but i can live without it. also, no sugar, no hydrogenated oils, and no high glycemic foods like white flour, pasta, pastries, corn chips, etc. or anything with "enriched" flour.

THIS HAS BEEN VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME.

but it's been almost two weeks now, and i feel great! i still allow myself a tiny little treat a day, like today i had four M&Ms. sounds awful, i know, like i'm totally depriving myself, but four M&Ms was actually plenty. i crave differently now. and it's a much more empowering feeling to know that pretty much everything i eat is super healthy and doing my body good.

eating McDonald's always made me feel good, but it never failed to make me feel immediately guilty about it afterwards. those McStomachaches are pretty hard to ignore. but i will always love McDonald's and i can promise you that i will continue to eat it, just extremely less than what i am used to :)

so after almost two weeks, am i seeing any benefits yet? absolutely. little things, like my hair is shinier. Sam mentioned the other day that my face was "glowing" and that i look thinner. i have tons of energy. no more slumps in the afternoon, seriously!

do any of you have any plans for a new you?

10/13/09

"what do the insides of other people's houses look like?"

what do the insides of other people's houses look like? i love it when the front windows of a house have no curtains or blinds so that i can look in when i walk or drive by and imagine what type of people live there.

i wonder if people sing aloud to songs in the car as much as i do? only when i'm alone in the car, though. and i get super self-conscious about it, like, i only really belt it when it's night time and i'm pretty sure the other drivers either aren't looking at me or can't see me. i'll sing along to songs in the daytime, i guess, but i'll stop when i'm at a stop light or if another car gets too close to me because i'm afraid of them catching me singing by myself, how embarrassing would that be? um, very.

9/3/09

"awkward!"

what do you do when there is a girl ON YOUR TEAM shamelessly macking on YOUR BOSS?

first of all, no, he's not necessarily her boss too. we're all one big PR team, but my boss and i head up the corporate group while this girl's role is totally separate from ours. but we all sit by each other and we work indirectly with each other. is he married? um, yes. well at least technically for now. is she married? no, but she does have a "serious" boyfriend. i hope i'm wrong on this one. just trying to read the signals here, which in my opinion are loud and clear.

they say office romance and infidelity is common, but this is my first experience. help.

lazy is my only excuse ...

2010-10-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

so, i may be the world's laziest blogger! sorry. life has been moving along, moving along. here's a recap.

well, i'm pregnant! i know i've had my turn on here wondering about how i fit into the role of motherhood, but my perspective has changed ... well, "matured" is probably the better word. i'm growing up! it was like i always knew there was going to be a time when i was "ready" to take on that next step, and i was just waiting for that moment to happen. and it did. surprise. people are always saying that you can never be ready and that you should just go for it and have a baby, and don't wait, but i firmly believe in waiting until you're ready. i knew it would happen for me, and i wasn't let down. i just know myself best. it was like my brain grew a new layer or something, the "i'm ready for parenthood" layer, and i just knew.

it always bothered me when people think that parenthood should come within a certain timeframe, for example, within a couple years of being married. like, be married for one year, and start trying after that. "how long have you been married? 8 years?? hmmm. um, soooo, why don't you have kids yet?" only one person has actually said that to my face, left me boiling mad, but i have to say i've sensed it in other people's thoughts, too.

really, what does number of years of marriage have ANYTHING to do with when a couple should have kids? seriously. what?

age, i can kind of see because there is such thing as a biological clock, eggs get old, etc. but years being married?? so ridiculous.

another high: our house! i love our house. it is so fun. remember playing house when you were a kid? it kinda feels like that. guess it took living in a real house to get to that. some people say when they first get married it feels like playing house, or when they have their first baby. whatever way it is for you, it is so much fun, right? who knew i could enjoy doing dishes, ever?? that having a spotless kitchen sink is a must at all times? that's how i knew this house thing was fun, when i liked doing dishes just to see a lovely clean sink.

and Sam has been the most amazing husband ever doing all kinds of work around the house. from painting to re-wiring electrical, from fixing sprinkler heads to laying down sod, from drilling and sawing to refinishing yard sale furniture finds, he just makes me fall in love with him all over again with every new project he takes on. what a man.

third biggest high recently: working from home. i love being home. i love having the freedom to fit in work whenever i want to during the day, i.e. being productive in spurts, and do whatever the heck i want. it's a rough life, i know. i bet things will change drastically when the baby comes, but i'm enjoying things while i can and have high hopes to keep things happy even when i do have a baby to take care of. we'll see, i guess. i could just be setting myself up for a gigantic meltdown ...

anyway, i will try to blog more often. for now, i will leave you with a TV ad that makes me cry, CRY, everytime i see it. is it the preggo hormones? or did you cry, too? maybe it's because i love my grandparents so much, or maybe it's because little kids and old people are the two cutest things ever and put them together creates the perfect recipe for making women cry?

LIFE

2010-05-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

i'm going to reveal something really dorky about me. i love yard sales.

among all the junk and ugly clothes, the broken furniture and sad looking stuffed animals, the random pieces of dinnerware, are pure treasures.

don't believe me? i can understand. some people say that yard sales freak them out.

but i don't care. because every now and then, despite all the junk i've had to go through and the few awkward moments that come with the territory, i find something that i really love.

last Saturday, or in my words "yard sale day," was a lucky day. it was the first yard sale i stopped at, and there, i found some beautiful, slightly tattered up (making it all the better), vintage copies of LIFE magazine. (ok, so one person's treasure is another person's junk, i know i know.) but i'm such a sucker for media. i mean, one of the issues had the image of Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh's clutching embrace from Gone With the Wind, one of my favorite movies of all time, and with the iconic fire engine red and white LIFE magazine banner ... SIGH "i must have this so i can frame it!!" my other favorite issue in the mix was the LIFE 50th anniversary collector's edition from 1986.

it's hard to explain why this particular find makes me so happy. i just think that in today's world, magazines aren't what they used to be. and this now fact of life was much more obvious to me after spending hours devouring these lovely, old issues of LIFE. the photography is so artistic, not forced. the content is so well written, like i could drink it up all slow and luxurious-like, as if the words were as tasty and frothy as a thick chocolate milkshake.

i should know, i work with publications daily. ugh, i feel like i can't even call them publications anymore because so many aren't actually "publishing" anymore in physical copies, if at all ever in the first place. everything's online. i have to resort to just calling everything "outlets." it's nuts how blogs that you've never heard of before are just as newsworthy as the New York Times, or how a significant tweet from who-knows-who can make the morning news. it's incredible.

incredible, yes ... but, not nearly as enjoyable in my opinion. there's something about staring at a beautiful picture in a magazine, getting up close to it so your nose almost touches it as you pore over the little details, breathing in the ink of the page, appreciating the feel of the glossy pages between your fingers. and i had forgotten this, but old LIFE is a pretty large-sized magazine. i have the 50th on my lap right now and it reaches all the way to my knees. it makes me feel like a little kid, in a giddy way, with my favorite book in my lap when all books were large and reached to my knees.

so without further ado, i'm going to share a few tidbits from the editor's note at the beginning of the 50th edition which i hope will make you miss the world of magazines, too. the internet is great and all, but it's taken away so much of the charm of holding something you feel a connection to in your hands, or what if what you saw or read you loved so much that you wanted to tear it out and pin it up on your wall so you'd remember it forever? you just can't do that anymore. well, i guess you could technically, but it's just harder to do. and no one subscribes to magazines anymore, so what's the point? very sad.

from the editor:

"In the ensuing decades, LIFE became a staple of the American household, as ubiquitous as the family car and every bit as necessary. Readers came to depend on LIFE not just for news, but also for articles that could be deeply involving."

"LIFE looked searchingly at America, and in its pages Americans saw themselves. The magazine imparted a feeling that a vast nation could be brought together as a community."

"To pick up any copy of LIFE is to savor a bit of the world's history."

fascinating, right? and now some of my favorite images. it wasn't until after i had scanned them that i realized they all have a common theme: women's issues/interests, and then one hilarious cat pic thrown in for fun. it's interesting how i'm drawn to those topics. obviously the 50th anniversary issue of LIFE wasn't all about women.

anyway, to read the text please click on the images for larger view, and then again to magnify.

reunion jitters

2010-05-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

next month is my high school's 10 year reunion. Next. Month. i am going. and for some reason this reunion stuff is really freaking me out. let's explore.

in high school, i was a pretty cool girl (at least in my head i was). i like to think i had a lot of friends and that the popular kids liked me well enough. i can't even really put my finger on who the popular kids were in my high school, actually. there were definitely cool kids and smart kids and lame kids and sporty kids, hm, i don't know.

anyway, what am i afraid of? who am i afraid of seeing? i just think it will all be very awkward, yes, that is what i'm picturing in my head. awkward because i haven't kept in touch with anyone. awkward because i feel like i don't belong in UT anymore, like i don't consider it my "home" or where i'm "from." awkward because i think most of my classmates are still in UT and they all hang out with each other, many have even married each other. can we say insta-clique? awkward because even though i haven't kept in touch with anyone, we are still friends on Facebook and i know how many kids they all have and what they had for breakfast and how they feel about the weather and where they're going on vacation via status updates. so awkward! right??

or, what if what i remember about someone isn't what they remember about me? like i remember something good about them (i.e. that we were friends) and they remember something stupid about me (i.e. that one time i made them mad and they ended up hating me forever)? ugh, shudder, that would be sooo awkward.

and what am i supposed to wear to the reunion event? hey, i'm a girl, so this worries me. on TV, it's always the picture of, "oh, i have to look super sexy and have really white teeth and nicely-toned arms to make that guy i had a major crush on regret that he never hooked up with me." haha, ok, first of all, this is UT. by this time (for the most part) 10 years later, everyone is already married.

but i still want to look good. my ego tells me that i should be proud of the fact that my body hasn't changed since high school. plus, i haven't had any kids yet, so i don't have any baby fat to worry about losing in four weeks. haha.

i'm kinda bummed Sam isn't coming with me. i'd love to show him off.

probably the best part about this reunion is going to be the reunion i will have with my best friend, Tyeanna-wanna. luckily kept in touch with her throughout all these years! i love her to death. when we were seniors or something, we promised each other that if there was a 10-year reunion, we wouldn't go unless we were going together. i can't believe that time is now! i haven't seen my Tyeanna in about five years, so i'm very very excited to spend some quality time with her. i love you, T-bone!!!! we'll have a blast just being together even if the reunion ends up being as awkward as i'm imagining.

de-stress-i-fyer

2010-04-09T02:54:00.000-07:00

it is soo late, 3am, and i don't even know why i'm up. i think i'm sleepy, yet i don't feel like sleeping. instead, i'm blogging, and in a way this is pretty relaxing for me. i've been really busy with work stuff and ironically, busy sitting right here where i am now, staring at the computer screen. and yet here i am, relaxing.

i have a few new posts up at TEAM HAWKINS if you haven't checked them out already. i learned how to re-size the blog template so that i can post really large pictures. they may actually be a little too large, but i like it that way. i hate pictures that are too small on blogs and having to click on them to see things better, mostly because i am too lazy to have more windows up than necessary. it makes me feel all cluttered and stressed out.

that's one thing i've been trying to work on lately, stress less. i think i stress without even knowing it. what if i have an anxiety problem? but i'm not anxious. i'm just very concerned about things like always being prepared and knowing things in advance (although, i am always late to things and that doesn't seem to throw me off). i get concerned about grammar and punctuation, yes, seriously. i hate seeing any kind of grammatical error and it stresses me out to see so many, i'm always reading stuff online for work and pleasure ... in fact, if i had one wish, i would wish that people could write and spell everything perfectly. that would be the day! i also get concerned about making a fabulous dinner on time every evening, on time meaning approximately 30 minutes after Sam gets home from work. i'd win wife of the year for sure.

obviously, a lot of things i can't control, like the grammar and punctuation thing. other things i can, like the dinner thing. and other things, i just need to build some room for the unexpected and let it be. for the things i can control, i'm going to work on those first. and they all seem so petty! i could easily make a fabulous dinner on time every night if i REALLY wanted to and organized my time more wisely. or, that empty little bird feeder that i see every day out the kitchen window that just bugs the crap out of me every time i see it, i mean, really, how hard would it be to just go outside and fill it back up? somehow, i always find an excuse not to. i know i can organize myself with other things, why can't i apply that kind of spunk to all facets of my day-to-day? i'll work on that.

ah yes, i feel better already now that i have a plan. no wonder blogging is so relaxing. i've said more than once that this blog is so cathartic for me. you never let me down, do you?

spring cleaning

2010-04-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

social media is a beast. i feel like i have about a gajillion different web sites that i'm attached to in some way. and now i've gone ahead and added one more. yes, keep reading.

for some reason, i feel the need to separate some things. this blog was always meant to be a place for me to let my guard down and say whatever it is i want to say, not caring what other people think. a place to rant, a place to let my feelings out, and just a place where i could be frank and honest about how i see the world. good news, it will remain that way.

because now all my work thoughts have found its very own outlet at Working Girl. perfect. i can bla-bla-bla all i want about work to an audience who actually cares. this new blog i've created will be your typical and standard family blog. it's very cleverly named TEAM HAWKINS (well, i think it's cute). this blog will be a place for family and friends who want to know what we're up to, stay in touch with us, know how we're doing and all that great stuff.

the question is, am i going crazy with the blogging? i think the answer is YES. but for now, this is how i'm going to organize things. like, when we have kids someday, where am i going to post all those hundreds of baby pics and videos? definitely not here. that would be awkward. i still want to keep my personal space my personal space, you know?

anyway, go check out TEAM HAWKINS and please, enjoy and comment!! xo

girl rant ahead, watch out!

2010-03-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

in girl world, there seems to be two distinct varieties: the genuinely nice and the genuinely insecure.

genuinely nice girls don't hold anything back from you. when you look nice, they tell you. when something really great happens to you, they congratulate you. when you do a good job, they're happy for you. when something you did was pleasant and inspiring, they make an effort to thank you. genuinely nice girls are flowing with compliments.

genuinely insecure girls hold back on compliments as if they were Mr. Scrooge hoarding his precious coins. these girls are selective about saying something nice about another girl, because to them it would be like admitting they were not as nice looking, not as great, not as pleasant. this type of girl is also judgy and snooty and quick to put someone down, BUT, all in a carefully planned out nicey-nice vague way, you know what i mean? they're all sweet and sugary on the outside, but the more you get to know them, the more you don't like them.

i am so sick of the girls in the latter category. these girls make crappy friends.

sometimes it's hard to tell what friends are in what category, but i've gotten better at discerning. a really beautiful friend of mine modeled for a while. my take is that she had a similar theory on the two types of girl varieties and had a great test for figuring out what girls were worth keeping as friends or not.

when telling girls for the first time that she was a model, she'd carefully watch their reactions. there were always two kinds, girls who would genuinely be interested, get excited and ask her questions, and then there would be girls who would just promptly fold their arms, sit back and not say anything. they'd just sit there with a look on their face that said something like, "i'm impressed but whatever happens i'm not going to show it, i won't, i won't, i won't, i'm also jealous, so if i show i'm impressed, it will make it look like i'm admitting she's beautiful, way more beautiful than me."

ugh, makes you shudder doesn't it?

i may have devised a test, too ... oh, i admit, i definitely straddle both sides, i'm guessing we all do, but my hope is that i can consciously make up my mind to be the kind of girl who is more like the genuinely nice variety. in my opinion, it's unhealthy to hold back something nice. just say it. let it out. get over yourself. get some confidence. grow up. realize that uplifting others will also uplift YOU.

it's official

2010-03-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

i started my own company. yes, a writing and PR services company. i'm three weeks in and so far, it's been fabulous.

best parts about having your own company:

- sleeping in, as in, the part of my brain that knows when i've had enough sleep tells me when to wake up, no more alarm clock
- "taking a lunch" no longer applies, now i just eat whenever and take as long as my little heart desires (or until I Love Lucy is over)
- i thought my old job was awesome for not having a dress code, well now i truly don't have a dress code and there's something very cozy about working in PJ's and pink fuzzy slippers
- i'm the boss, need i say more?
- everyday kinda feels like i'm on vacation but working ...
- flexibility to do stuff during the day if i have to or want to

now, of course, there are downsides too:

- i'm a little lonely, Beastie is a great kitty companion, but i miss having a team and friends to talk to at work
- i've become about 5x uglier-looking since i haven't been great about getting ready in the mornings, i always thought i'd be one of those girls who would have enough pride to get cute even if no one but family saw me, but i guess i'm not and just as lazy as everyone else
- and for some reason, i feel like i work MORE when i'm at home because it's not like 5 o'clock rolls around and i'm cleaning up my desk getting ready to go, i'm already home so i just keep working, and working, and working ...

anyway, i'm hoping that as the weeks go by i'll learn how to establish a better routine where i'm comfortable yet still feel productive. there are no rules anymore, no office hours, etc., so i have to learn to not only be the employee, but also the strict CEO.

here is my company's brand new website: http://www.cheerfuleditorial-pr.com/

check it out and let me know what you think, and tell all your friends! i'm open for business!

i'm so excited to be starting my biz now before we have kids. i like to think i'm making the right steps so that i can easily work from home after kids, it's been a many long years in the making you know. yay for new adventures!!

big changes

2010-02-28T22:22:00.000-08:00

some may call me crazy given the state our economy is in, but i have decided to say good-bye to the corporate world.

sorry i haven't been posting tons here lately, but it's been a crazy time for me.

i've come to some conclusions. okay, one conclusion.

1) i work because i want to, not because of the paycheck.

i have a great luxury, and that is i don't need to work. (thanks Sam.) but i do, i mean, i have, because i enjoy it so much. i went to college for a reason. my first reason was just to go, it was what all good kids did after graduating from high school. then after a couple years, i figured out the real reason for going to college: obtaining the tools to start a career.

once i figured that out, my plan was to conquer the corporate world. Mormon style. well, my personal style, which has felt more like renegade Mormon style. i wanted at least five solid years after graduating from college to pursue a career. five years just to myself to see what i could do with my degree and my talents. change the world kind of stuff, you know? and then to experience the perks of corporate life, like working in an office. commuting. joys of office politics. making money. getting promoted. being soo busy. after five years, i'd be good to be a stay-at-home mom and perhaps work from home given that i felt qualified enough.

well, it's been five years. whew, that went by fast. truthfully, i was having a hard time deciding what to do though about following my plan. i started thinking, why not work for a few more years? how about going to grad school? i started thinking about how something like day care worked. how much would it cost?

then something happened. my job that i loved so much all of a sudden got turned upside down. like someone flipped a pancake on me. things changed very quickly, changes that were completely out of my control. literally, one day things were trotting along swimmingly and the next, i was worried about getting laid off. what was happening?!? in about 3 months time, it became apparent that i needed to get out. so i resigned. it was the hardest decision of my life.

my last day was Feb. 26.

i know this story may sound disjointed, but all you really need to know is that i am still completely flabbergasted with all that's happened. yet happy. the corporate world can be very fickle. all good things come to an end, i truly believe that. and maybe they come to an end for a reason. catch my drift? i have to also believe that when one door closes, another opens. right now, i'm walking through that second door.

i'm still going to be a working girl, that part of me will always be there, but 100% at home. excited for me? i am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more on that later.

but i have to tell you, in that 3 months time of change at work, some crazy weird things started to happen to me. suddenly, i wanted a difficult and time-consuming role at church. suddenly, i wanted to plant a garden. suddenly, i was thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant. suddenly, i wanted to break out a Betty Crocker outfit and plan out breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next month. wait a sec, no, that last thing didn't happen. at least not to that extent.

more me

2010-02-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

for those interested in reading my stuff, here's a rundown of recent postings at Working Girl.

Stalking Is Caring -- stalking each other online is the new "keeping in touch"

"Boss": Incredibly Awesome; Miraculous; Great* -- what does it take to be a great boss?

Pop! Goes My Valentine Ego -- my funny Valentine's Day story this year

Power Suits Are a Myth -- my favorite thing about my job is lack of dress code

Hopelessly Addicted -- i'm a slave to my cell phone

Passport? Check! -- on a travel high from our trip to London and considering working abroad

anyone got a tissue?

2010-02-08T20:57:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite things to do is cry during movies.

sometimes i feel like a glass jar. i'm fragile at times if handled incorrectly, like if i'm stepped on or being tossed around. i also can't hide my emotions very well, so sometimes i'm pretty sure people can see right through me. basically, what i'm trying to say is that i feel like i'm a fragile, see-through, glass jar that is easily filled up with tears. hm. am i making any sense yet?

and just to clarify, it's not like these are all tears of sadness or pain, they're just good ol' tears of emotion. hey, i'm a girl.

we all release our emotions in different ways ... meltdowns, sleeping, eating, talking up a storm, drinking, the silent treatment. i cry. and i fully enjoy it. that's probably why i cry when i laugh, too. or even when i'm just talking about something that makes me smile, i can feel the outer corners of my eye start to water. it's actually kind of embarrasing. and it messes up my make-up.

i guess crying is an essential part of what makes me me. it's actually a huge part of my "happy place." do you have a happy place? i'll tell you mine, it's 1) a heaping serving of fast food 2) chocolate 3) a fuzzy blanket, and 4) a movie that will make me cry. done. mix well and enjoy.

readers, how do you release all the jitters, thoughts, and emotions bouncing around in your head?

me, a real life blogger?

2010-02-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

some fun news, say hello to the newest weekly contributor to Working Girl.

(hello)

why, hello! it's me!

this is like a dream come true. i've loved this blog ever since it was selected as a "Blog of Note" by Blogger, oh i don't know, a year ago?? anyway, Working Girl is fun, friendly, cathartic (because all working girls need a place to vent every now and again) and informational. recently, they introduced a few other new contributors such as Teaching Working Girl, Healthcare Working girl, etc. i am PR Working Girl. so honored.

i post a new entry on Working Girl every weekend. to search for my posts, just go to the drop-down menu of Categories and select the label "PR Working Girl." enjoy!

product placement

2010-01-24T17:30:00.000-08:00

i am in love with the color orange. but orange dots on a pillow, even better.

always amazed with the many talents of close friends, today i'd like to feature Arkotec founded by the Hastings. not only because i love them, but because i get to show off a pic from our cute living room too (above) made 10x cooler with one of their newest products, orange dots pillow.

Sam and i are also in love with Arkotec's T-shirt designs. if it wasn't for Arkotec, Sam's wardrobe would be limited to Quiksilver, Hurley, and Billabong. i'm glad he's chosen to embrace diversity.

please check out Arkotec and go nuts shopping.

a new decade

2010-01-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

i remember when 2000 was THE year. probably most significant about that year (for me, at least) was high school graduation. always felt very proud that i graduated in the coolest year ever. looking back, it's been an incredible decade. when i was 18, i didn't have a cell phone, a Facebook account, an iPod, a laptop, a blog, or any kind of internet savvy whatsoever. not because i was lame or lived under a rock, but because they weren't invented or commoditized yet. crazy!

anyway, as you all ponder the last ten years of your life, please enjoy the below highly technical, modern, up-to-the-minute recap demonstration of our 2009.

https://sites.google.com/site/samandtatum/

happy new year.

going steady

2009-10-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

i knew things were becoming serious between Sam and i when he gave me a certain special gift: hiking shoes. you see, all serious girlfriends of Hawkins boys are required to "prove themselves" on a major hike with the family. the shoes symbolized something big and important i needed to prepare for. gulp.

my serious girlfriend-worthiness was tested on Mt. Timpanogos in UT. pretty strenuous 15 mile hike to the very top and back down. it was me, Sam, and all three of his older, married brothers. yeah, serious pressure. i like to think i passed with flying colors.

to this day, Sam and i love being outdoors. when we're hiking or camping or just doing anything rugged or outdoorsy, for some reason we feel like we're in our true element and balance of happy couple-hood.

this past weekend we drove about 16 hours round trip to the Grand Canyon, it was a much needed trip. we hadn't been hiking or camping for years, it seems, and we were craving some bonding time together away from work and house. (but not from Beastie, oh my gosh, we missed her.) here's to many more exciting adventures. xo

Grand Canyon, 10/24/09, and wearing the hiking shoes (still solid after all these years!) from Sam.

being Mormon

2009-10-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine is participating in an "Encounters and Dialogues" class project where she is supposed to pick a religion she is not familiar with and learn more about it. "i actually have been really curious and amazed," she says about Mormonism. here are her questions with my answers, for any others out there wondering the same things as she.

What does it mean to you to be a Mormon?

Being Mormon means that I am held accountable for my choices, thoughts and actions, which isn't always easy, but I know that if I am faithful and do the best I can in following the teachings of the true gospel of Jesus Christ found in the scriptures (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, Pearl of Great Price) as well as the teachings of a living prophet today, President Thomas S. Monson, Heavenly Father (God) will bless me and I will return to live with Him and Jesus Christ in the highest kingdom of heaven with my family for time and all eternity.

What do you love most about being Mormon?

That we believe in a living, latter-day prophet, and that he is a man called of God to lead us and guide us. We have what's called General Conference twice a year, and he and the twelve apostles and other church leaders speak to members of the LDS church all over the world, it's like a super spiritual and educational conference. I also love that Mormons are given the gift of the Holy Ghost when we are baptized to be our constant spiritual companion that can comfort us and guide us. I also love that wherever we go and we attend church there, it is the same, the same lessons, the same teachings, the same songs, the same agenda, the same spirit, and you have instant friends and support when you need it.

What did you love most about growing up as a Mormon?

Growing up with a core group of girlfriends who were all like me and who all had the same beliefs and goals as me. Growing up Mormon can be hard, though, especially when there's peer pressure to do things like drinking. You always feel different from everyone else, and it's hard not to give in. A lot do, which is life, but the great thing about being Mormon is the plan of forgiveness and the knowledge of Jesus Christ's atonement for when we do make wrong choices. Our church is all about having the freedom to choose what we want to do or how we want to live, but obviously we can't choose what happens or the outcome of those choices. A lot of people think the LDS faith has a lot of rules or restrictions, but really, they are there for our protection. Like seatbelts. But even better, if we do make a wrong choice, there is always the option to repent and be forgiven to start fresh again.

What is the most important thing you would want people outside your faith to understand about you and your religion?

That we're normal! That we're not weird or different or part of a cult. I'd also want them to understand that we are Christians, we believe in God and in His Son, Jesus Christ.

What are some of the biggest misconceptions, and how do you debunk/deal with it?

I think this kind of overlaps with the previous answer. How do I debunk/deal with it? Try to be normal, smart, fun and in general just being a good person. I want people who know me to think, "Hey, I know a Mormon girl, she's pretty cool, I think Mormons are great, I respect them."

What do you value most about the religion?

Having the knowledge and power of eternal families. I know that Sam and I will be married forever, not just until death do we part. Our marriage was sealed by a very sacred covenant we made in the LDS temple, where we got married (there are LDS temples all over the world, we got married in one in Utah). That covenant binds us for eternity. Our whole lives up until our wedding day, we have been preparing ourselves to be worthy to enter the temple to be sealed together as husband and wife. Not all LDS members are allowed inside the temple, so getting married in the temple is very meaningful to us and knowing that our marriage is forever makes everything that much more important and valuable. It makes me so happy knowing that Sam and I will be together forever. And when we have kids, they will automatically be sealed to us, and we will become an eternal family.

What are the most basic values you will find in all sects of LDS?

Family is very important. Mormons are all about traditional family values, a stay-at-home mom who cooks and cleans and nurtures her family, a strong, wise working dad, happy kids. However, that is a very high standard with really defined gender roles and not one that everyone can live up to. Actually, I think that is one of the areas of the most tension in our religion. Faith is a another big value. So are choice and accountabilty. Integrity.

What are some of the movements/how do communities assimilate in these changing times?

Probably the biggest Mormon movement was back in the early 1900's when Mormon pioneers suffered all kinds of hardships as they trekked "West" out to Utah, led by then living prophet Brigham Young. But you're asking about today. I don't really know of any "movements." But each member is part of a "ward family," or their congregation of members within set boundaries. All members within a specified boundary attend church at the same time, so that I guess would count as their "community." For example, Sam and I attend church every Sunday from 9-12pm with the same group of people who live in the nearby surrounding neighborhoods. As a ward/congregation/community, there's always something going on. Lots of activities and youth groups and things going on on Sundays and even during the week, that is how Mormons keep themselves busy aside from work and family.

How are the roles of gender defined?

Gender roles are very defined in Mormonism. Women are taught that being a mother is the highest, most noble thing a woman can be. Women are encouraged to marry, have children and stay home to take care of, raise and nurture them. While women are also encouraged to get an education, it's not really required or expected of them to get careers, motherhood is the top priority. Women are also pretty empowered within the Church, they have leadership roles, there is a Relief Society, the largest group of women in the world, that all LDS women are part of where we plan and organize all kinds of volunteer work, bonding and educational-type of activities, and women are often told how important and special they are to the foundation and building up of the Church. Men are taught to be the leaders of the family, to be the breadwinner, to be wise, kind, strong and faithful husbands and fathers.

What are the stances of some hot button issues in politics? Homosexuality, abortion, etc.?

For some reason, many Mormons seem to be Republicans. I feel they also bleed American in the way of traditional American values like hard work, perseverence, freedom, satisfaction in earning a living, owning a home, etc. The Mormon church does not condone homosexual behavior. However, there are many people on the fence about this one, it's been a really difficult issue in Mormon land ever since Prop 8. Regarding abortion, the Mormon church is pro-life, unless in the case of incest, rape or if the mother's life is in physical danger.

Is there a specific timeline/way of life that must be followed?

I'm not sure what you mean here. Regarding way of life, I think the answer is no, but there are always guidelines. It's very clear in Morminism how you should be living your life. Bascially, it's following what we call a plan of happiness, and that goes back to the first question/answer.

What are some of your personal struggles with the church?

Well, I mentioned above the struggle many have with the traditional family ideals. These days, it's almost necessary for women to work outside the home, even after kids. Sometimes I also feel that Mormons can be close-minded. As a religion that teaches it is the one and only church with the fulness of the true gospel of Jesus Christ on the Earth today, that can often cause people to think everyone else is wrong and they are right. I have tried very hard to stay open-minded and accepting, even though I do have a testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the full and true gospel and is led by God and Jesus Christ.

Whose teachings/which religious leader do you like the most?

There are so many great leaders! I would have to say the prophet before President Monson, President Gordon B. Hinkley. Everyone just loved him and you could just tell he was a man of God. I always thought it would be cool to have been alive when the first prophet in these latter-days was alive, Joseph Smith. He seemed like a great man and leader.

(obviously, these are my own thoughts and opinions, not official messaging from the Mormon church.)

this movie looks fun. to dress up as.

2009-10-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

the girls at work and i are dressing up like the Whip It roller derby team for our office Halloween party, SO EXCITED! i'll need to make my outfit a little less revealing, but that won't be hard ... so perfect otherwise. there's about six or seven of us girls on the PR team dressing up, and we even have one guy to be the dude on the far right. can't wait!!! outside of work, Sam and i are going to three other Halloween parties, so even though i was really, really, really, really, really looking forward to dressing up as Bob Marley (i just wanted some wicked dreadlocks, let's be honest) i think i'll just stick to roller derby girl this year, it's so cute. or maybe i could somehow still squeeze in the dreadlocks, we'll see.

more to love

2009-10-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

i kind of have a reputation. oh, you know, at work there's always the Organized One, the Funny One, the Seriously So Annoying One ... i am proudly, and just simply, the One Who Eats A Lot And Who Eats Really Weird Things For Breakfast One. i'm a real winner.

for example, when there's leftover cake in the kitchen from so-and-so-i-don't-even-know-who's birthday, who's the first one to grab a paper plate and plastic fork? me. when it's hump day snack day (yeah, my office rocks), who's the one grabbing extras, i mean, a lot of extras, not just one or two things, to stash away for later? me. when it hits 3:30pm on the dot, who's up and about microwaving a frozen chimichanga? me. who has unhealthy snacks laid out all over her desk at all hours of the day for casual munching that i swear is necessary so that my head, my mind, and my brain (hee hee hee) can continue to function properly? me!

however, i need to stop. i feel soft. i feel gross. but i'm not fat, YET. fortunately, i don't think my genes will ever let me get fat fat, but i certainly feel fat. like today. ugh. for too long, i've eaten whatever i've wanted without really thinking about the health benefits and now that i'm approaching the big three zero in a few years, i think it finally might be catching up to me. i hate not being naturally fit, you know, like in high school. i wish i could go back to being 17 years old and just take a moment, like, to stop time and everything, just to appreciate the non-existence of cellulite or anything remotely flabby to worry about. how i took those days for granted. i know people may think i'm "fit," but my body is very misleading, it's really just flub.

the problem here though is that i can never seem to stick to a regular work out. i hate working out. the whole process of getting ready to work out is what i hate the the most, i know, it's so weird. just the thought of having to change out of all my clothes into work out clothes and tie my hair up and put on stinky sneakers just makes me whine and hide under the covers (which Sam really hates when i do that). and i can't bring myself to pay for gym membership. it just seems so ridiculous to pay money to run on a treadmill when you can just run outside for free. or pay money to take a kick-boxing class when i can punch and kick imaginary things in my living room, again, for free.

anyway, i'm debating what to do. i want to be super fit before we have kids so that my stomach will immediately bounce back. right? which actually happens and is for real, right? right??

AH-MAZING

2009-09-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

there is a huge blank wall space in our living room that i've been meaning to fill with something AH-MAZING. if you are a music lover or vintage lover, or you just like cool art, check out poster cabaret. i just bought four posters that i will frame and arrange in some sort of super hip, collective way over that blank wall. i love how eye-catching and bright these posters are. and they represent some great bands that Sam and i both love and concerts that we've actually been to. pretty sweet.

artists (from l to r, t to b): tad carpenter, andy vastagh, jazz feldy, kevin tong

change management 101

2009-09-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

humor me for two seconds. stand up and see if you can change five physical things about yourself right now, ok go. (oh all right, or just think about it.) what would you do? take your hat off? slip out of your shoes? take off a ring or bracelet?

this happens to be an analogy for most people who go through major life changes. when most people experience change, it's often percieved as losing something, like the way you "lost" the ring on your finger or the shoes on your feet. when we first moved to Chicago from LA, my first thought was that i was losing some best friends which was hugely devastating. another example would be men who seem to think that getting married means losing their freedom, when in actuality, they're gaining so much more as they embark on a wonderful, exciting, and fulfilling adventure (haha).

another thing that happens to people who go through change is that the first thing they will try and do is revert back to the status quo, you know, revert back to what was comfortable for them. picture a new college student living with roommates for the first time who at first is clean and tidy, but once the formalities are over and it's been a few days, pretty soon out of habit he/she starts leaving his/her crap all over the place. when reverting back to the status quo isn't working so well, chaos happens. could be big chaos, or little chaos. stress happens. confusion happens. sometimes even a little denial happens.

i am going through a major change in my life. obviously.

i had no idea this would happen. not the change, but the way i am reacting to the change. i am struggling with why i have not embraced the suburbian way of life, and i am struggling with where i fit in in this totally new environment. it's not just a new environment, either, it's the jacket i have to wear, the role i have to embody, while i'm here. things aren't fitting quite so well, i feel kinda annoyed about it and very uncomfortable. supposedly, the jacket fits fine according to my measurements, but i'm just not used to it. however, one of these days after a lot of wear, they say i will.

because in the change cycle, there is also a stage of exploration when people start accepting the change and embracing the change and finding ways to ENJOY the change.

what i've described here, straight out of change management 101, is a sort of "roadmap" that all people go through; for some people it's simple and really quick, like a walk in the park ... for others it's difficult and can take a while.

i hope i enter the exploration stage soon. i really, really do. thankfully, i have this blog where i can vent and analyze my feelings, and i hope you know this is very cathartic for me and i thank you for reading and commenting. in your opinion, what can i do to hurry the jump out of chaos stage? please be nice.

also, just to clear the air, of course there's nothing wrong with moms staying home and baking bread. that's just not where i am right now. someday, though. hey! i bake cookies and specially-shaped cakes for my husband's birthday. but bread ... i just don't go there. seriously, if you were a caveman in an Apple store, you'd be complaining about not fitting in either, right?

anyway, gold stars for those who adapt quickly, good job, you rock, hooray for you, woot woot (my least favorite phrase in the world, btw). so i'm slow! deal with it. i am.

and i'd like to make a dedication to ...

2009-09-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

have you ever heard of the term/acronym, DINK? it stands for Dual Income No Kids. here's more info if you're intersted. it's more of an "industry" buzz word rather than everyday vocabulary, but anyway.

as a DINK couple, as i know many of you are or used to be, sometimes relationships can become strained or get difficult. DINK couples tend to have a hard, driven focus on work and/or career and intentionally put each other on hold, or on pause for a bit, to pursue what is often agreed upon as the greater good or the "big picture." i want to emphasize the "agreed upon" part. as DINK couples, your top priority isn't always necessarily each other, it's financial freedom and stability. and you both know that. for example, working super hard to get that promotion which will in turn create more options financially, or working super hard to get through an MBA or other type of grad/school/doctor program because it's the next step in your goal plan, with the end goal being able to settle down in a dream house in a dream location (ah yes, the oh so controversial American dream).

two people totally on the same page. one team. and a winning team, at that.

while this all sounds so nuts and bolts, worldly and emotionless, i also want to emphasize the major ingredient here is love. don't worry, it's there. however, i think women tend to take this stage in life a little harder than men, because for women, it's so easy to feel neglected or unloved.

(but! this is where girlfriends come in handy. to anyone out there who is a newlywed, don't you ever EVER abandon your girlfriends!! you will always need them!! as great as husbands can be, they are no substitute for good old fashioned girl time, something that EVERY woman needs.)

our two years in Chicago was very much what i've described here. except we weren't DINKs then because i was the breadwinner while Sam went to school full-time. but we are DINKs again now, and phew, finally, which brings me to the point of this post! a favorite song.

this song by The Starting Line came out i think during our second year at Kellogg (in Chicago, sorry, for those who don't know, Kellogg is the MBA program at Northwestern), it's called "Island." have you ever felt like you were an island? after hearing the song, which is very much a love song in its own way, i immediately secretly dedicated it to myself from Sam ... hee hee. yes, of course you can do that. i don't know a single husband out there who would proactively call Karen Sharp at KOST 103.5 to make a song dedication. LOL! anyway, i think this song perfectly captures all those feelings of any time in a couple's life where there is so much love, yet at the same time, so much outside strain that forces couples to prioritize a little differently than desirable, to make a sacrafice, you know? because in the end after the sweat and tears, it will all be worth it.

below, i found a YouTube video of the song and lyrics so you can listen and follow along to the words. whatever, i know, i'm cheesy! (note: there's a few weird pop-ups, not from me, and it kind of ends sharply.) The Starting Line is an alternative rock/emo/underground band that i am totally in love with. maybe this genre of music isn't your thing, no worries. but for those who have ever loved a song that so perfectly captured your feelings and situations, i just wanted to share this with you, so if you wanted to, you could go ahead and dedicate it to yourself from your loved one, too :) enjoy.

got some free time?

2009-09-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

my latest article, for those who are interested, ran in this month's OC Life Magazine. it's about Orange County's annual Style Week event held at the Irvine Spectrum. you can read the story here (flip to page 40). i'll continue to post future articles here. this is just a side/freelance thing i do. eventually, i think it will be fun to do more, but right now all i can handle is two magazines.

ELIZA Magazine give-away

2009-08-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

for all you give-away fanatics, ELIZA Magazine is where it's at. every day this week there is a new give-away, something fabulous and classy. go to the ELIZA blog and leave a comment about the prize and why you love it/need it/want it. for more chances to win, you can also follow ELIZA on twitter, blog about it and leave a link, become a fan on Facebook, etc.

good luck.

and please subscribe if you haven't already, you know you've been meaning to! you can view the summer issue here, super cute rocker girls Meg & Dia grace the cover. and also fyi, my article about discovering Chicago is currently being featured on the ELIZA homepage, ch-ch-check it out. thx all.

missing demographic

2009-08-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

i work.

let me rephrase, i am a professional. i have a career going on, seriously! i've worked in public relations for the past four years, and currently my focus is in the telecom/wireless industry. i also have a background in advertising and business development, and, i'm a published writer freelancing for two magazines on the side. i read the news, i follow the stock market, i can discuss intelligently about a company's recent merger or acquisition, i know all about office politics, i graduated with honors from USC, i used to work in a tall building in the middle of downtown Chicago, i own business suits, i have clients, my work directly contributes to the growth of the company! etc. etc. etc. basically, i'm a smart girl, er, woman.

so that's where i see a problem, i guess. because i look like i'm 17 yrs. old, people don't take me seriously. hm, i feel like we've had this conversation before. anyway, picture this. Sam and i chatting with new people, getting to know each other, introductions, the typical stuff. HOWEVER, i don't get asked about my job. i don't get asked how i feel the recession is impacting my company. i don't get asked where i went to school or how i like my job and what exactly i do there. and why not? is it because they assume i don't work? why would they think that? because i'm a woman? because they assume i have young kids at home? because they think i must just work a part-time job at some temporary place to earn extra cash or something? that i stuff envelopes from home or file papers for an elderly neighbor? is it because they assume what i do isn't as interesting as what my husband, the Bread Winner, does?

this infuriates me. grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

so what gives? do i need a new haircut? a new wardrobe? inject wrinkles into my face? or just speak up?

one thing i really miss about living and working in the city is the people. here in suburbia, people don't really get it. women don't work here. they stay home and bake bread. it's just so frustrating. people in suburbia are not very interesting to me, they're all the same! it's like living in a bubble. some pretty generalizing statements, i know, sorry.

i used to live in UT where it was literally a bubble. a giant Mormon bubble. don't get me wrong, i had a very happy childhood growing up there, but when i entered high school i knew something wasn't quite right, just couldn't put my finger on it. i thought getting out of UT would mean i'd never have to enter that bubble again -- guess i was wrong.

one of these days i know i will have to conform. i'm just hoping that by then, i'll want to jump on the bandwagon and not fight it, kicking and screaming.

i am a lone reed, part ii

2009-08-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

i have not read the Twilight books and do not plan to touch them with a ten foot pole anytime soon. (bracing for sharp and mean comments) i don't know why, so don't ask or try to convince me otherwise. i was never into nsync or backstreet boys, either. yeah, i could sing along to the songs when i was 15 and thought they were catchy, but that's the extent. i don't know, when people go crazy obsessed over something, it just doesn't make it cool anymore for me - unless it's me going crazy obsessed over something, then it's cool. to me. which leads me to the next thing.

i've been thinking about quitting the blog thing. recently, bloggers are getting a not-so-cool vibe, unless you're a blogger for a company and it's your job or something. but blogging just for the heck of it, not so awesome. my point is, blogging is such a vain pasttime. "i think i'm cool, so therefore i think my blog's cool." blogging is just making it worse for me. it's also addicting, and who would ever just delete their blog, even if they said they've stopped? it will always be there, FOREVER, taunting you to come back. because you know, nothing can ever be truly deleted with technology these days. again, this is just me. i'm the weird one.

another confession - ok, back to books - i have not read any Harry Potter either. i'm sorry, but everytime i see a 6-inch thick, 10 lb. book, my first thought is not, "i must read/devour that book in 2 hours." i've seen a few of the movies, and they were not enough to interest me to start reading.

i am a lone reed, part ii.

i am a lone reed, part i

2009-07-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

something i've always wanted for a long time is a scary movie buddy. oh, i crave it sometimes. but, why? where did this come from? because most people i speak with don't seem to even like scary movies, no, not even a little bit. in fact, most people really hate them. and this makes it really hard for me, because it's not like you can enjoy a scary movie all by yourself.

i've always enjoyed the occasional scare. maybe it's because i like to scream and squeal? maybe it's because i secretly believe in ghosts and aliens, monsters and talking animals? maybe it's because i'm so terribly ticklish that if i even see fingers coming toward me i start hyperventilating? (yes, i'm very, very scared about being tickled.) maaaybe it's because scary movies are so opposite chick flicks, and since i watch way too many of those, i desperately need the balance?

retention effort

2009-07-28T18:18:00.001-07:00

my laugh of the day today: check out the latest comment by "anonymous" under meow, my name is what? linking to a blog of this -- can i say LAME -- couple that made me want to puke from all the bloggy mushiness happening there who just posted about naming thier dog Tatum. yeah. no way!!!! i hate them!!! and like third or so picture down, did they drop their dog in watermelon kool-aid or something?

so not much new here to rant or rave about. things are same old. my life has zero drama. i'll try and think of something to write about soon.

how to build a retaining wall

2009-07-08T00:23:00.000-07:00

because we are now the experts. this is what Sam and i worked on for seven hours on July 4th. real festive, yeah? also, just because i'm not in any of the pics doesn't mean i didn't help. because i did. i also potted plants, you can kind of notice the awesome brown and tan pot i picked up at a yard sale earlier that morning for about a buck.

step 1: dig dirt about 4-6 inches deep and a few to several inches wider than the depth of your bricks
step 2: pour in leveling sand, flatten real good with a tamper (heavy square thing you can find in the shovel section)
step 3: hammer in wooden stakes the same depth as your bricks where you want the wall to be, add string so you can better visualize (was this really necessary? not really)
step 3: use a leveler on top of the sand to ensure your wall does not turn out slanted
step 4: start laying down bricks, make sure they're level!
step 5: use "liquid nails" (this is the fun part) and practically glue gun on your second layer of bricks, then third layer, etc.
step 6: add gardening fabric behind your wall to separate the bricks from the dirt (to keep out the weeds), fill in space with some of the dirt you previously dug out
step 7: wah la, you have a wall ... now pat yourself on the back.

now we need to get some top soil to throw on top and start planting shrubs and flowers and stuff. i'd recommend going to Lowe's for all your retaining wall needs, they have a great selection of bricks, a really detailed brochure with step-by-step instructions including a full list of tools and supplies, and pretty friendly service.

a little housekeeping

2009-07-02T22:26:00.001-07:00

i updated the links to all my favorite bands (in the left sidebar), in case anyone was interested. for the most part each band is linked to a live performance, which, in my opinion, is the best way to experience a favorite song. enjoy.

xo

meow, my name is what?

2009-06-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

what is it with giving pets people names?? ever since we got a pet and went through the whole process of picking her name and everything, i feel very adamant about not naming your pet something like Samantha, Madeline, or Richard. it's just not right. not right!

people may laugh because our cat's name is Beastie, but that is because she is an animal. she's a little BEAST! the name Beastie is funny, it's cute, it's a pet's name, and most importantly, you would never name a person Beastie.

sometimes people bring in their dogs to work. last Friday, a lady brought in her giant slobbery half golden retriever/half german shepherd dog and its name was, wait for it ... Amy. Amy?! for a dog?? that's my co-worker's name, yeah, two cubicles down and to the left. hello. how would you like the same name as a dog?

there better not be an animal out there named Tatum, i will find and destroy the nutjob who named it that so fast.

i guess there are names that kind of straddle the line, like Rusty or Ginger. but still.

growing up, i had a little dog and she had the perfect little doggy mutt name, Pugsley. i think my dad came up with the name. i still miss her. she was such a good dog, always so happy, playful, and full of energy.

anyway, to pets! i love them. i don't know, it takes some creativity to name a pet. as a rule, though, just don't name them after people.

i wish ...

2009-06-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

i had a performing talent. don't ask me to be in any talent show. i have absoltely nothing to contribute. and i'm not being modest. i have zero talent. it's really sad. anyone else watching So You Think You Can Dance right now? i'm hooked. and very, very jealous.

house and i are becoming friends

2009-06-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

one thing i've been dying to do lately is draw on my walls. for example, check this out. or this. i also want to make a DIY headboard for our bed. and i want to paint the chairs around our dining table some sort of stand-out exciting color like orangey-red or ultra navy blue. and i want to add a very thin sleek chair rail somewhere. and this weekend a girlfriend and i are going yard sale shopping. so fun. i'll be looking for some unique pieces to start new projects with.

i'm feeling less and less overwhelmed. having a house isn't a life sentence. it's kind of fun, actually. i realize there's a lot you can do with the house besides just live in it. i can start making it into a home.

back to watching HGTV now!

books

2009-06-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

today after work i went to Barnes & Noble and bought three books:

The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein
Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch
Mufaro's Beautiful Daughters, by John Steptoe

these children's books are for a friend who is having her first baby.

when i was young, probably one of the best lessons my mom ever taught me was a love for books and a good story. maybe that's one of the reasons i love working in PR so much, always on the hunt for an exciting and compelling story angle to share with people. anyway, my mom also taught me that one of the best things a parent can do for her child, or children, is to read aloud to them. there's definitely a very special kind of love in doing that, which is why i have made it my own "thing" to give books to soon-to-be new mothers.

these three books are a few of my most favorite stories to read aloud. they are also books from my childhood and are especially meaningful to me.

i read The Giving Tree just before wrapping it up, and i started crying. not sure why, but i'm guessing it must have to do with my recent emotional train wreck feelings of general uncertainty about life. ah, life. like the little boy in the story, sometimes i just want a bunch of casual throw-away things, but don't ever really pay quite enough attention to who is giving them. that's not cool. so, i will work on that.

one of these days, i should start buying these favorite old children's books for myself and start a collection or something. what are your favorites from when you were a kid?

crisis evaluation

2009-06-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

are you going through a quarterlife crisis? i think i am.

"Unrelenting indecision, isolation, confusion and anxiety about working, relationships and direction is reported by people in their mid-twenties to early thirties who are usually urban, middle class and well-educated; those who should be able to capitalize on their youth, unparalleled freedom and free-for-all individuation. They can’t make any decisions, because they don’t know what they want, and they don’t know what they want because they don’t know who they are, and they don’t know who they are because they’re allowed to be anyone they want." -- excerpt from "Welcome to Your Quarterlife Crisis" by Kate Carraway (i originally found this on one of my favorite blogs, Working Girl. check 'em out.)

if you can, please read the full article to get the gist of what i've written next.

so ... my question is, do you think it's possible to go through a quarerlife crisis as described in Ms. Carraway's article while also being married? it seems like the article is talking about single girls and guys, but i still feel like i fit the bill.

maybe i'm going through a "backward" quarterlife crisis. i already live the ideal life, yet i still feel empty. granted, this isn't all of the time, in fact, it's not even most of the time, but why lately have i been in such a funk?

sometimes i think life for me happened too quickly and too smoothly, and way before i even had a chance to grow up, to be a drama queen (no, teenager doesn't count, an adult drama queen), to make mistakes and all that. while most people spend their twenties exploring who they are and their place in this world, mine was somehow all mapped out with smiley faces and what-not, and being the diligent, faithful, organized person that i am, i followed the directions to a T, never thinking twice and never looking back -- until now.

ugh, moving into a house has just been such a major adjustment (hm, can you tell?!). it's not the actual moving into the house, obviously, but it's the idea of settling down, i.e. "nesting," suburbia, growing up, being old. it's what moving into a house represents. but the thing is, we're NOT old. we're NOT ready to settle. we don't belong. all our neighbors think we're weird, i'm sure of it. they all have kids, teenagers, SUVs, gray hair. seriously, what are we doing here? will it ever feel right?

tatum, welcome to your quarterlife crisis.

memorial day weekend

2009-05-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

pretty eventful. we celebrated Sam's 30th birthday over the weekend with a big BBQ bash and pool party, our first major get-together with friends since buying our home. not to brag, but it turned out pretty awesome. highlights included Jamie and Linsy driving out from Vegas totally surprising Sam (he had no idea whatsoever), the "30" cake Linsy and i made which was amazing-looking and tasty, the perfect sunny weather, playing cornhole which Sam spent two weeks building in our garage and with bean bags Rachel graciously made, and of course all our wonderful friends who came -- we had a gang of 20 peeps, i think. the next day, we continued the fun by taking Jamie and Linsy to Disneyland, and it was so much MORE fun because it was Linsy's first time at the most magical, happiest place on Earth. it was hard to go back to work this morning ... enjoy the pics.

go wash your mouth

2009-05-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

a term at work that i have been hearing way too much of lately is "low-hanging fruit." it seems to be the new office-speak thing to say these days to express how easy something should be to do or obtain. for example, "we haven't saturated the market yet, there is still a lot of low-hanging fruit out there," or, "to interest a retail reporter about our nationwide retail store expansion, it's like picking the low-hanging fruit."

so it's really that easy, huh? just like picking that low-hanging fruit ... yes, ok, i'm imagining myself right now in a grove of lemon trees and surrounding me are these lemons within an arm's reach. i get it! it sounds so simple. piece of cake. makes me wanna say, "don't wuwy aboud it." and then, like, wait a sec. i'm kinda feeling a little bit of pressure now.

another phrase i can't stand is, "bubble up," as in, "why don't you send me an email with your thoughts, and i'll be sure to bubble it up to management." woa! that's an amazing visual, like, my thoughts and ideas all captured in little soap bubbles and eventually they'll float their little way on up to get paid attention to ... yeah, that sounds likely.

and probably my least favorite office phrase in the whole world is the use of the word, "buckets." the first time i heard "buckets" used in an office setting was during a job interview when the HR lady kept referring to the job description as a bunch of buckets, such as the infrastructure bucket, the executive visibility bucket, and the shared services bucket. here i was, a nervous little girl wearing against her will a suit that made her feel way too masculine, and trying very hard to follow what this crazy was saying.

ok, so there's all these buckets, and i'm assuming they're all a different color and made of bright, shiny plastic, and wait, what? they're all part of a larger bucket? that doesn't make any sense. how many buckets are there? what am i supposed to do with these buckets? i'll be part of a bucket? part of more than one bucket? is that possible? do we all stand in giant buckets or something and type away on our laptops and then jump from bucket to bucket!? eventually, i figured out buckets meant "team." but, oh geez ... !

flexibility is a virtue

2009-05-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

i can't tell you how much i appreciate flexibility in a person. these people are types who are easy to work with, they accept change and run with it instead of fighting against it, they embrace chaos with a smile, they keep complaints to a minimum, and they are not demanding. these types of folks are also typically easy to get along with and generally happy people. simply put, they make life easier.

i had a work experience a week or so ago when i thought if it wasn't for a certain individual who had displayed a willingness to just go with the flow given the fast-paced, deadline-driven nature of the given project, i probably would have had to chop my head off or something similarly disastrous. thank you to all the flexible people out there, i appreciate you.

this got me to thinking about the qualities i admire most in a person. what makes me really appreciate someone? what qualities do others have that i wish i had? what is truly admirable? see my top five list below of qualities that would make a gold-standard individual should he or she possess all five:

flexible
cheerful
thoughtful
intelligent
funny

i don't know about you, but in my opinion, it's not often you meet someone who embodies all five of these qualities. if a friend, relative, acquaintance, co-worker, or whoever is even one of these, and genuinely at that, then i am super impressed and am totally drawn to that person in hopes that some of it will rub off on me.

there were a few other qualities that i liked, like spontaneous (which i felt could go under flexible), kind (which could go under thoughtful), and contemplative (which could go under intelligent).

princess

2009-04-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

every Monday night is date night, Disney date night. on Disney date nights i drive up to Anaheim after work and meet Sam up on the third floor of the Disney cast member parking lot. he gets inside the car with me and we giggle and get all excited because, hey, it's Disney date night! ready to go? first stop, dinner at a favorite fast food restaurant.

ok, side note here: one of the reasons why Sam and i get along so well is that we have one very important thing in common. we both love fast food. we love it, love it, love it. i don't care how rich or famous we become (or don't become), we will never, ever turn our backs on the deliciously-greasy-delicious-satisfying-brick-in-your-stomach goodness of fast food. and btw, i know that 99% of you disagree with me about the delicious and satisfying part ... freaks!

back to my story. so we enjoy a totally romantical meal (and i'd have to say the funniest part is that we are by far the best-dressed people wherever we end up going to eat, especially Sam in his slacks and button-up shirts, so funny), and at about a quarter to seven we drive back over to the cast member parking lot and walk over to the cast building where it's time for the actual Disney date part: a Disney classic movie on the big screen. yee-haw!

so this week it was 101 Dalmatians. cuuuuute. last week, it was Sleeping Beauty. awwwwww. the week before that it was Lady and the Tramp. sigh! and next week, it's The Sword in the Stone. so coooool. I CAN'T WAIT.

so now to the princess part. watching these old Disney classics every week has made me realize where all my romantic and girly notions have come from. these movies, like Cinderella and my all-time new favorite Peter Pan, are where i learned the meaning of true love and what it's all about, like, being swept off your feet and all that. it's where i learned how to dream about finding prince charming. where my love for perfect hair, shoes, and getting dressed up all began.

now, while i know full well that the feminist in me is rolling her eyes, and instead of embracing the Disney way of love, is blaming the Disney way of love for messing with reality and perpetuating the lofty and unrealistic idea that every girl will find her true love and live happily ever after with her tall, dark, and handsome prince charming - but! i can't help but all too easily push those thoughts aside, just this one time a week, and let the pink fluffy butterflies in my stomach and chest take over. it feels so nice to sit and relax next to Sam, and with a dumb and silly smile on my face, watch these perfect movies and fade away into little girl happiness all over again.

it's true. i've always wanted to be a princess and marry a prince, just like in the movies. being a princess and floating around in a poofy sparkly dress with a diamond-encrusted crown on my head, ahh, there's nothing better. yeah, i know i actually live in "reality," but the princess in me dreaming of a happily ever after will live in my imagination forever.

another step

2009-04-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

everyone, meet the newest member of our family. hello, Beastie. life is so full right now that i'm not sure how we managed to squeeze in a cat. i've come to terms that i am no superwoman. can't do it. sometimes i even forget to feed both the cat and the husband.

another reason why Sam thinks i'm loco

2009-03-12T22:00:00.002-07:00

i have an intense fear of walking on sidewalks during the night for fear of stepping on a snail. snails just gross me out and the thought of accidently stepping on one as they meander all over the sidewalks at night just gives me the willies more than anything else ever. can you imagine, just walking with the hubby enjoying an after-dinner stroll and then cccrrrunchhh ... slimey stickey grossness all over the bottom of your flip flop. this is a totally new fear for me. since moving to Orange County, i have noticed there are way too many snails around. way too many for our own freekin good. which is why i insist we walk in the middle of the road now when we go walking. to be safe.

growing pains

2009-03-11T20:46:00.004-07:00

you would think that after years and years and years of being married (big number seven next month - YIKES), that i would grow old, or at least grow to be old-looking enough, to say that i'm married and that, yes, i've been married for several years (YIKES again, i guess the word "several" pretty much explains it now) and not get people looking at me strange and immediately ask how old i am. right?? but NOW that we own a home, it's dawned on me that this stupid game will never, ever end. now, people are not only shocked that we're not newlyweds when they meet us, but they're also double, no, triple shocked that we also own a home. and why don't we just take that a step further and say that they are quadrupled times a thousand shocked to learn that we have this 4 bdrm house and don't have any kids or pets to fill it up with. uuuuggghghghg. trust me, i am just as shocked every day of my life that i wake up only 27 years old inside a house next to a cute husband that i'm still in love with. i'm grateful, of course, and maybe i'm spoiled too, but that doesn't mean i am seeking out all this unwanted attention and weird looks and disbelief from people. like i said in an earlier post, i HATE feeling naive, and when people think i'm too young all the time for what's going on in my life, it makes me feel all weird inside. sometimes i feel like i'm still 10 years old or something and i wonder what the heck am i doing in this adult body and adult lifestyle. it's just frustrating. i guess here's to growing up and forever trying to convince everyone i'm already there.

three weeks in

2009-03-06T16:13:00.005-08:00

everyone, it's gorgeous here in Mission Viejo. the skies are the prettiest blue with fluffy white clouds, just like in the opening sequence of The Simpsons. the streets are curvy and there's lots of hills, i really like that. i'm not a fan of straight flat streets and boxed in neighborhoods. the vegetation here is very lush and there are palm trees everywhere. we have a great view from our driveway of the Saddleback Mts. i love it. almost makes me think we're in UT for a split second seeing how close and magnificent they are. several weeks ago there was still snow up in the peaks and we could make out a few scribbly white lines that must have been ski slopes. did i mention this was from our driveway? super gorgeous. the beach is about 10 miles away, not too long of a drive at all. i love looking at our lawn and examining the dew drops that cling to the tips in the morning. i love checking our mailbox without having to use a mail key. i love having a back yard. we have a few white rose bushes to the side of the house and they're actually blooming right now! oh, and we killed the ants (hopefully) with a full-on assault: Ant Shield granules, ant traps, baby powder, and cucumber peels. ants - GONE. i'm also realizing that i am no good at decorating and deciding how things should look inside the house. my plan is to go to IKEA anytime we need anything because my theory is as long as everything we buy for the house is from the same store, we'll be okay.

somebody pinch me

2009-02-22T22:11:00.004-08:00

move-in day, 2/14/09

lots has happened these past few weeks. i'm so overwhelmed and have been mostly too busy and okay, i admit, a little too lazy to blog. it's because we've bought and moved into our very first house and i've been finding it hard to think about anything else other than unpacking, how to clean the grout of ceramic tile floors, killing the ant colonies under our front door, and stuff like that. so crazy and anxiety-filled. do we really own a home?? this weekend we bought a lawn mower. i think that officially marked our status as grown-ups. it really hits you when you hold that first lawn mower in your hands, trust me. so our new life in suburbia begins. first Provo, LA, Chicago, and now Orange County. settling down. like, non-temporary living. this is so weird!!

just chillax already

2009-02-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

chillax chill-ax (chl ks) - verb

to both chill and relax, at the same time of course
to be in the state of Ultimate Relaxation, a faraway location in the very, very back of your brain
to enjoy being motionless, preferably on a couch with a fuzzy blanket
doing absolutely nothing
and then, the ability to not feel guilt about doing absolutely nothing
somewhere between the fine line of sleeping and going deaf
becoming one with the weekend, like a buddha becoming one with the mountain
to be lazy whole-purposefully
choosing to ignore being at all productive
a skill and art form that not all humans are capable of, sadly

for some reason, Sam is unable to chillax. he doesn't know how. how can he not know how? i can't seem to figure it out. he is one of those people who always has to be doing something, and it's even better if doing something means doing something productive. ugh. poor guy.

"friday light" traffic ...

2009-01-25T22:15:00.004-08:00

has now become "monday light" traffic, "tuesday light" traffic, "wednesday light" traffic, and so on. it's great ... or is it? my theory is this: since November-ish, i have observed noticeably less traffic on my way to and from work each day, which has led me to believe that this is a direct result of how bad our economy really is. basically, i'm gathering, no, confirming, that because so many thousands of people have lost their jobs, traffic on The 405 is much less congested at peak rush hour times. my commute is easily 10-15 minutes faster than it used to be pre-Christmas. see below picture for proof. this was taken at 5:27pm (RUSH HOUR) last Friday.

HARDLY bumper-to-bumper as it should have been, right? i know, it's so crazy. while i am very happy i get home sooner, i am sad for the job-less people who are languishing at home. it makes me wonder, "will i be one less car on the freeway anytime soon?" please, Mr. Obama, please, nooooo. but seriously, pretty soon if the economy continues to worsen and companies continue to shed employees, SoCal haters won't have any reason to hate SoCal anymore. (still can't believe SoCal haters even exist ... crazies.)

well, let's hope i'm very wrong about my theory. maybe it's just a January thing or something.

indie 103.1

2009-01-25T20:50:00.000-08:00

Hi. I’m Sam and I am not a blogger. If anything, I consider myself anti-blog because I think too many of the trillions of blogs in the world serve no purpose other than to provide an outlet for vain people to talk about themselves and post lame pictures. As with anything there are of course exceptions – a small handful of interesting, unique, and worthwhile blogs – but my rule of thumb is that if you write a blog AND have stick figures portraying your family members (and pets) stuck on the back of your car then you are lame and should not blog.

Anyway, with that introduction you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here in the first place. You’re wondering why I’ve chosen to hypocritically hijack my wife’s blog like this. Well, it’s because of a radio station.

For the last 5 years, Indie 103.1 has broadcasted a powerful and eclectic mix of indie music to the greater LA area. Indie, my musical lover, would play anything and everything from heavy metal to reggae, and from old-school punk rock to Sinatra. She introduced me to some of my favorite bands. Oh, and another thing, Indie DJs actually loved the music. Instead of trying to be witty and “totally in your face” they would tell you interesting things about the bands you love.

I admit, I couldn’t hang with Indie all the time. Sometimes the stuff she played got weird, even for me. But that just made me love her more. Even after we moved to Chicago for school I kept in touch, frequently dropping by to listen to Jonsey’s Jukebox or just stream her live while studying (that sounds dirty, I know, but it’s not). Imagine my joy when we moved back to this area last August, once again within her geography.

Then Indie died.

I don’t want to go into the reasons why. I don’t want your pity when I tell you that it literally took about 2 nanoseconds for the 103.1 frequency to be taken over by, you guessed it, a Mexican Ranchero music station. And, I don’t even want you to feel bitter toward “the man” or whine about “big business.” That’s not what this hijacking is about.

I’m here to spread the gospel…the good news that Indie 103.1 is still alive and well on the internet at www.indie1031.com. Go check her out. If she’s not your style, then that’s cool, just go search for an internet radio station that IS your style and listen to it. It’s the best…you can listen anytime from anywhere in the world. No lame DJs, no exploited bands, no severely overplayed songs like “Sex on Fire.” Terrestrial radio is dead! That’s why I’m breaking my vow to never blog. That’s what this act of hypocrisy is about. Thanks for reading. If you want me, I’ll be with Indie.

cornered

2009-01-20T23:19:00.007-08:00

i hate feeling naive in front of people.

i try very hard to appear like i know things, like i've experienced things, been places, etc. and it's true, sorta. sometimes. but in the end, all people see is one small, naive, little girl. innocent, sweet, sweet Tatum. and it just makes me crazy.

i usually feel this way in work situations. like, some obscene joke that people are laughing about but won't tell me about, on purpose. "oh, sweetheart, i don't think you wanna know."

or when i involuntarily tell people how long i've been married (and then watch as people's mental calculators whirr and whizz determining the unthinkable age i must have been).

or when i say i went to Vegas but didn't gamble. or go dancing. or get drunk from drinking giant big-as-your-head-sized margaritas.

(and in all honesty, i don't love the whole Vegas thing anyway. anyone with me? i only love one part of Vegas, and that place would be here with these guys.)

so in these types of situations, i like to think that my way of life is better, like i chose it to be that way. i tell myself that my path to happiness is the 'right' way. that my rewards are greater. that i'm more fulfilled. that my ways are wholesome. i tell myself a lot of stupid things sometimes.

in reality, i wish i could relate more to people. i wish i had a past life once, one that was reckless, crazy, naughty, and carefree. and i wish i had a tattoo to prove it.

but i'm not that way. i'm good. i'm obedient. sigh, i guess i am just sweet, sweet Tatum. why do i always want to do the 'right' thing all the time? what makes me this way?

what is a friend?

2009-01-11T05:00:00.002-08:00

@ orange county zoo - Sam, Ian (camera-man) and Leisl

i'm happy to report that we are making new friends.

for a while now, we've just been proactively trying NOT to make new friends since moving from Chicago because we keep thinking that we'll move away again soon. but, since it's taken longer than expected to find that perfect dream house in the perfect dream neighborhood, well, i guess we thought it would be good to start hanging around new people besides with each other. you know, which can get really old.

(Sam nodding in background, "mm hmm ...")

oh, and btw when we say "make new friends" we mean "make new friends who are young and married with no kids like us (and who are cool)." hooray, Ian and Leisl, you made the cut!

haha. but seriously, isn't it weird how your friends change with certain life moments or changes? like during your first year of college. and interesting who gets weeded out and who stays? i think the biggest moment/life change has to be when a couple has kids. it seems to me that something happens, like a big swoosh of an opera-like curtain coming down and then when it goes up again, wa-lah, your world changes and so do your friends/the people you hang out with.

i'll openly admit that i do not try to make friends with people who have kids. unless i knew you before kids, i make no effort, i have no desire ... i am invisible to you and you are invisible to me. i automatically assume we have nothing in common and that i'll be bored with anything you have to say. that's so RUDE. and SNOTTY. HIGH & MIGHTY. STUPID. i disgust myself.

i am not looking forward to the day when we have our first kid and we smell like puke and i have no make-up on and i'm wearing baggy ugly pants, and a hip, young married couple snubs us in the face when we try to be friendly with them.

blaaaahhhhhhh!

brrrrr ...

2009-01-01T17:07:00.005-08:00

we've lived in socal before, but i don't remember ever feeling this cold. always sunny in CA? i don't think so. since Sam and i both had the day off, we decided to ring in the New Year with a leisurely bike ride despite the lousy weather. we rented a tandem from Zack's at Huntington Beach pier and rode four miles down to Newport Beach pier and back. not bad, huh? we packed a lunch of cold pizza, cookies, and fruit. there were lots of families out today, biking, scooter-ing, motorhome-ing, bbq-ing, rollerblading, etc... all determined to enjoy a New Year's holiday outdoors at the beach. brrr, look at how foggy and cold the sky and water looks. fun times :)

i think i've run out of things to say

2008-12-28T21:47:00.003-08:00

any other bloggers feeling this way? it's like blogging is exciting and fun for several months and then it's like, hm, i have no freaking idea what else to blog about. do people even care? should i post more pics, give you a run-down of my day-to-day, share some recipes, gab about my darling husband? BO-RING.

i honestly have no complaints right now. gas is cheap ($1.79!!!), housing prices continue to go down, we're getting a new president (that's always exciting, yes?), i have a sweet job that makes me money, my husband works for Disney, truly the most magical place on Earth and we get to go whenever we want (which we do and it's totally awesome, i love you Corn-Dog Castle!!), there are no major a.k.a. stressful decisions on the horizon except on what house to eventually purchase -- but you all know that i leave big decisions like that to my gut and then to my after-gut -- so no biggie there, oh, and i can eat lots of fast food and candy and not get fat ... yeah, that's probably the best thing.

so vain. so vain. that's all blogging is, really. a way to talk about yourself and be the center of conversation the whole time to the whole world! and just to top all this vanity off, i've added Blogger's "following" widget to the left sidebar towards the bottom, so please check it out and make yourself known. in lieu of a blog roll, i think this is a pretty cool idea.

merry christmas

2008-12-25T14:56:00.006-08:00

there is so much to be thankful for. may your Christmas and New Year be full of happiness, hope, and love.

xo
Sam & Tatum

cozy and content

2008-12-21T22:00:00.009-08:00

feeling the Christmas spirit yet? we are. i'm so happy. this year Sam and i will have a very quiet, yet meaningful Christmas just the two of us. i want to start some traditions this year to eventually pass on to our future family. and i'm excited to spend so much time with Sam. while we thought we'd be moving into our dreamhome this Christmas, i'm okay with holding out a little bit longer. we'll find "the one" eventually, you know? btw, watching Christmas movies is so fun. do you cry at movies? i always do, and i love it. this weekend we went to the Newport Beach boat parade where all the rich boat owner people decorate their yachts and stuff with lights, and then they parade around the harbor to Christmas music. we sat on the beach to watch. it was chilly outside. we wore our warm hats and scarves. i am just lovin' this time of year.

bad gut!

2008-12-15T07:29:00.003-08:00

how dare you let me down.

guys, we are no longer in escrow. how exciting to read about our indecisiveness ... uug.

rockstar craving. is bad.

2008-12-13T03:18:00.020-08:00

it's soooo late, but i can't sleep. i'm craving rockstars. i missed a Plain White T's concert earlier this week because i was too lazy to drive my ass up to LA. biggest regret ever. below, NOT PWTs, but another rockstar (ex-rockstar, actually) i'm havesing a crush on.

Watch more Sessions@AOL videos on AOL Video

addicted

2008-12-13T02:29:00.010-08:00

if i share an addiction, will that make it go away? well, then here goes nothin' ... i love this song, and particularly, during this specific live acoustic performance, and, i love it way more than how the song is actually recorded on the album. i also love how Martin sings the words, "in the blink of an eye" with a faint smile on his lips, like he's suddenly remembering who he wrote the song about. i also love how you can't really tell who's singing what (it's Martin btw, the loud one). i've watched this about a million times.

exciting news

2008-12-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

remember how i told you we made our first offer on a home a few weeks ago? well ... a bazillion more open houses, two offers, a multi-dozen headaches from (sometimes ridiculous) counter offers, secret late night drive-bys, and several prayers, tears, and too many stressful hours later, we are finally in escrow for a perfect house in Laguna Hills, CA. (yes, still in the OC and about 10 miles to the beach.)

actually, if i'm going to be totally honest as i always try to be on this blog, the house is not exactly perfect, but it has a lot of potential to be close-to-perfect someday. sorry, i had to add that.

or, it's also possible that i'm just way too hard to please.

and just like every other big decision in my life, knowing this house was "the one" did not come easy. in fact, it was definitely harder than deciding that Sam was "the one" i should marry (but like that was even hard in the first place). but the important thing is that i do know it is definitely the house for us. answers come to me in the strangest way sometimes. i don't really feel like sharing right now, but it was very emotional, i would even add in that it was a little sweet.

it's incredible how your gut is more than just a half-digested meal. it has the power to actually know things. for people who are religious at all, gut feelings can even be elevated to a spiritual level, a manifestation of faith, or a believing in answers that come from a higher being. guts are just pretty dang cool. although, i don't really like looking at my gut in a tight shirt when i'm sitting all slouchy, like i am now. ew.

so, more details on the house to come soon. wish us luck!

simple math

2008-12-08T18:49:00.009-08:00

1 genius ad campaign

thank you, Burger King, for your new "Whopper Virgins" ad campaign and taste test studies. it provided at least one half hour of hilarity for two seriously committed burger lovers. instead of the typical married people bedtime banter, we watched your National Geographic-worthy video. loved it.

+ 2 burger cravings

after watching a bunch of hamsters/test mice/Hmong people eat Whopper burgers, we started to feel a familiar burger gurgle in our stomachs. we felt jealousy and sudden hunger. problem, though, we were already in bed.

+ 1 smart wifey

Sam: "so ... do you want to go get burgers?"
me: "but it's so late!"
Sam: "i want to watch The Office."
me: "i'm tired. put the laptop away."
Sam: "i could reeeally go for a burger right now."
me: "i knoooow, whoppers sounds so good."
Sam: "so, you want to watch The Office with me?"
me: "only if you get me a burger."

pause.

Sam: "ok, i'll go run to McDonald's ... "

= 1 perfect night

aren't we supposed to get wiser with age?

2008-12-04T00:45:00.003-08:00

when i was a teenager, i thought i knew everything. now that i'm a full-fledged adult well into my twenties, why do i feel like i don't know anything? sometimes it feels like the world is coming at me way too fast, and i'm, like, frozen not knowing how to react in a smart and intelligent way. i often stumble and feel flustered. i constantly feel behind when i pick up the paper or watch the news, and then i criticize myself for it. isn't my day job all about being on top of the news? ugh. sorry for another downer, but i was cleaning up my home office area and found this poem i had set aside to blog about, but forgot until now. it is a writing assignment from junior high that really, really struck me. can't believe i had so much brains back then. the sad thing is that after all these years, i feel that this poem is still entirely too relevant.

Differences in our daily lives
Surround us, confuse us, leave us out.
The huddled groups like honey-bee hives,
They laugh and talk, but what about?
A train halts at the city light,
Two old men aboard, the one black, the other pale.
"Please take my seat," a man says to the white.
The black man stands, his eyes are stale.
Living in this unkind world we try our best to succeed,
Only to find out, that the worst are in the lead.

humility

2008-11-27T23:19:00.007-08:00

right now it's late on Thanksgiving night. my sweet husband is already fast asleep in bed, he was feeling sick after the big meal. i totally know the reason why, too. he ate one bowl of cereal for breakfast and then starved himself (on purpose) for the rest of the day until turkey dinner time and then promptly gorged himself. silly, silly husband.

after coming home from spending Thanksgiving with some family down in Laguna Niguel, i decided to polish off the leftover half cup or so of green pea salad and warmed up a second helping of cherry pie, both of which i had made this morning as our contribution to the Thanksgiving meal. so proud of myself, by the way, for making a cherry pie from scratch. it turned out so buttery-flaky, tart, juicy, and delish. turns out Braveheart was on tv, too. *sigh* i loved this movie so much when i was a teenager. back when Mel Gibson was still considered a man of all men. ha. so i got all cozied up on the couch with my yummy food, a fuzzy blanket, and William Wallace (in Scottish accent: Weellium Wullice). life is good.

so i've felt un-bloggy lately, kind of in a funk for some reason. there's a lot of things going on outside my control right now that have been affecting me. things like the economy, our seemingly never-ending search for the perfect home (the sellers had rejected our offer, as predicted), concern over the stability of my company's parent company, realizing how blessed Sam and i are to have jobs and knowing full well that nothing is ever certain, stress caused by watching the markets, and just a general overall feeling that i am depended on too much for survival, for holding it together, for being glue ... and then just a bunch of other little things that seem to more easily get on my nerves because i'm already on the edge, like, how on earth does the sink fill up so quickly with disgusting dishes? why am i suddently so sensitive to smells and seem to get more nauseous more easily? why can't my hair turn out perfectly cute every morning, not just some mornings? and why can't i drive the nice car to work every once in a while, huh? SO. not. fair.

i know i've been complain-ey, and i'm sorry.

there is so much to be thankful for. and sometimes it just takes a quiet moment to realize it. so tonight while Thanksgiving 2008 passes by (woop, it's 12:03am right now, it's officially over), i want to express my thanks for all that i have. i don't want to be ungrateful. i want to be positive and be a positive influence to everyone i come in contact with. and that includes you. thank you for stopping by and for being such a great audience and listener.

i know i should be thankful this week, but ...

2008-11-22T09:36:00.008-08:00

this is how i truly feel about everything right now. argh, the economy is k-i-l-l-i-n-g me. this also means our ability to purchase a house is in limbo. i hate money. (make your own word cloud here on wordle.)

guess what?

2008-11-19T18:37:00.005-08:00

we made an offer on a house yesterday ... as in, an offer on an actual real-life stand-alone house with a front yard and a back yard, with a master bedroom that has a master bathroom, and a real kitchen that has both a dishwasher AND a garbage disposal (the fact that this is amazing to me is really sad), and palm trees, and a pool, and with walls that i can paint if i wanted to, and with a separate formal dining room, a walk-in closet (heaven, it really does exist??), and so on.

so no real details on the house for now because the offer could totally fall through (especially since we used this way nutty -- or balls-y, as our Realtor put it with an "are you freekin' kidding me" face -- negotiation strategy that Sam learned in b-school). but holy cow, am i a full-grown adult now or what? we'll see what happens. given the balls-y-ness of our offer, i wouldn't be surprised if it fell through tomorrow. ANYWAY, the point is that we just made a giant step towards adulthood and it feels scary.

sometimes people like to think that getting married equals the official entering of adulthood. mmmmm. or perhaps it's when you get your first real job out of college. eeeehhh, sort of kind of yeah. but putting down an offer on a house? man, i feel like 40 years old. and once we actually sign a final stack of papers and actually move in, that will just feel OLD. but exciting at the same time :)

maybe you're thinking, "yeah, wait until you have kids!" pets first, my friends!! pets first! and um, yeah, once we get a house we are getting a kitty right away, so ... i guess kids are closer than i realize.

and what am i going to do in a house (i.e. huge place) when simply saying, "hey Sam" will then have to either turn into shouting, "HEY SAM!!" or me having to actually walk over to speak to him. that will be a major adjustment.

but i think we are ready for this. we have been working and saving and planning for a looong while, and it's time people. time to grow up and be adults. time for this new chapter in our lives. "it's our time now" (to quote The Plain White T's, and whatever happened to them anyway????).

feeling small

2008-11-15T07:06:00.006-08:00

yesterday scientists revealed the first photographs of another solar system just outside our galaxy, three planets orbiting another star just like our sun. oOoOOh! how cool is that? so far, they say these planets are too gaseous to support any kind of life, but still ...

while i was stuck in traffic on my way home from work last night and feeling really sick from the Chipotle steak burrito i had for lunch that was twice the size of my head, and while i was trying my hardest not to puke all over myself, and while i was listening to the Kevin & Bean show on KROQ and then changing the station because they were reporting the SAME celebrity gossip from their morning show = lame, i started to wonder if there was another girl on another planet in that other solar system driving home in stop-and-go traffic, too. wondering if she was exhausted from her week, if she felt that seatbelts were the most annoying, uncomfortable and neck-scratching things ever, and if she had a cute husband who would be at home waiting for her. maybe she would be driving to her home in a cool Jetsons-like car, thinking about me.

TATUM ... i.e. "cheerful," "plucky," "playful"

2008-11-09T19:30:00.006-08:00

i think one of the coolest things about me is my name. after 26 and a half years, i still have never met another Tatum. i mean, i know people who know people who know people who are named Tatum, but that's it.

i also love what my name means. according to baby name web sites and books, the name Tatum means all things cheerful. i love that. way back when, and i don't think by coincidence, my mom shared a quote with me that i have tried to live by ever since:

"be pretty if you are,
be witty if you can,
but be cheerful if it kills you."

-- anonymous

i was about 13 years old when my mom gifted me a handmade bookmark with this quote written on it. at the time, i was grooming a very bad habit of sass-talking to my parents and rolling my eyes every time i was forced to hang with my family instead of my friends. and like most teenagers, i was crazy moody and the meltdowns came easily (yes, haha, even more easily than they do now).

this quote, as harsh and blunt as it was, helped me to become a better person. i learned that being cheerful even in the most unbearable situations was going to be worth it somehow. i just hate it when people complain or outwardly show their disgust or discomfort with things or situations. i used to be that way, and it never got me anywhere. but being cheerful even when it just kills you, man, people notice (because it's so unheard of, unfortunately) and openly, willingly reward you with respect.

don't forget to vote

2008-11-03T19:05:00.006-08:00

i can't believe the time has finally come. whichever side you are on just be excited, as i am, that you are alive to be part of this historic election. and then call in sick Weds. :)

halloween

2008-11-02T20:17:00.006-08:00

we had a fun Halloween with friends. Sam read some scary stuff by Edgar Allen Poe, we carved pumpkins, and then it was scary movie time with The Skeleton Key ... and look at how our alien pumpkin child glows compared to the others. freeky.

no more, pleeaasseee

2008-10-29T18:33:00.010-07:00

i know that's what you're thinking!!! sorry.

guys, this will be my last and final rambling on Prop 8. HUGE SIGH. it's consumed so much of my brain's thinking power that thank goodness my new job (that i love so much) is in-house rather than at a PR agency, and as a result, way less stressful which equals me needing to use less brain power. whew.

so ... i am wavering in my decision to vote a YES on Prop 8. do you feel the shockwaves?

i just had a bawl fest and will probably need to start taking depression medication now, as in pronto. i am so torn and upset.

first and foremost, i do not condone a homosexual lifestyle. by voting YES on Prop 8, i would be supporting that statement as well as my beliefs.

second, however, i had a moment today. i'm going to call it an epiphany. after all my reading up and listening to different viewpoints from many different sources on this issue of allowing same-sex marriage to be considered legal here in the state of California, something finally dawned on me.

i am against discrimination, all of it.

there are a few things that have historically received heavy discrimination that i can think of, they are: race, gender, religion, and sexual orientation. let's talk about them.

me being Asian American, i can absolutely tell you what it's like to be discriminated against because of my ethnicity. luckily, i haven't ever been discriminated against personally, like to my face, but i know how it feels to be different. to be looked at differently. to be judged differently. at the same time, it's also worked in my favor. i credit me getting into BYU a LOT because i happen to be a "minority." in fact, i know with certainty that i have gotten jobs just because i'm ethnic. isn't that frightening?

i am also a woman. girls rule! as a woman, i feel very strongly that i plain and simple kick butt as a careerwoman. many women feel the same way (which if you read my last post, sometimes this feeling can go overboard). i've blogged about my love for Meg Whitman, she's freekin' amazing. i aspire to be like her. but a long time ago, there was a lot of discrimination against women in the workplace, having a voice, and voting. not right and not fair.

if you're LDS, then you already know what it's like to be discriminated against because of your religious beliefs. if you're not LDS, just trust me.

and lastly, sexual orientation. Prop 8. need i say more?

here's what got me. in the 1960s, did you know it was illegal in some states for interracial couples to marry? there was a law called the Racial Integrity Act which banned marriage between a white person and a non-white person. those who supported this act even based their beliefs on religion, stating that if God had intended them to marry He would not have put them all on separate continents. let me just ask, what if there was a "Prop 8" type of thing back then? for fun, let's just say that after the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in 1967 that "the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State," religious anti-supporters decided to support a law that would overturn this decision to ensure marriage is between a man and a woman of the same race only? i cannot even think straight trying to imagine this. have you seen mine and Sam's picture up there at the top? yes, we are an interracial married couple. AND, i might add, the hottest and bestest couple in the whole big wide world, BOO YEAH!!

see my dilemma? the reasoning behind my super meltdown? how can i support something that a mere 50 years ago a similar type of government measure (in this case, concerning the issue of race and not of sexual orientation) that denied marriage between individuals who others felt that kind of relationship was "wrong," would have stopped Sam and i from marrying? this realization blew me away. i felt wrath and pain. and the worst part is that there are people today who still feel that interracial marriages are not appropriate.

BUT, race and sexuality are two different things. they cannot be compared as apples to apples. yet, underlying it all is very simply this: discrimination. and i can't support that.

i want to choose the right. i do not know how i will vote at this point anymore. half of me still wants to vote yes because i am a faithful person, but the other half of me wants to vote no to avoid making a total hypocrite of myself. i'm at a loss ... i feel defeated. why can't we just have world peace and never-ending happiness, love, butterflies, flowers, and chocolate fountains?? why can't we???

"where you at?"

2008-10-28T06:01:00.006-07:00

i HEART my new job.

while i was job-hunting, one major factor i took into consideration when deciding if i was interested in a job opportunity or not was: who would i be reporting to ... a man, or a woman?

in my experience, having a female boss is practically like working for the devil.

women bring their emotions to work, women are high strung, women are micro-managers, women are super competitive, women have (really) bad days (often), women hold a grudge, women are hard on other women in the workplace, women have outrageous expectations, etc. etc. etc.

not to say that some male bosses aren't like that, but i feel that most are not. so i wanted to tell you today that probably the main reason why i love my new job is because my boss is a M-A-N!!! he's so great. so laid back, so casual, so trusting, so easy to work with, and so on.

with all that said, however, it makes me think about myself as a manager. to be totally honest, i've definitely had my days and have exhibited all of the above terrible female-boss qualities. seriously, what is it with women in the workplace?

these days, women kick butt in their jobs. but sometimes i wonder if the workplace is really where women truly belong? yes and no, i think, but have you ever just wanted to say to a power-hungry woman, "just chill out and try not to rule the world for one day, just one day!" and what would her response be? an embarrassing little shrug of the shoulders. i understand. as women, we inherently seek perfection. so of course, when it comes to our education and/or our jobs, it's natural to kind of go overboard and crazy. but still, that's no excuse for being the devil.

well for now, i'm pretty sure i still belong in the workplace. we'll see in a few more years, though ... there's still so much more to do.

almost famous

2008-10-23T19:39:00.002-07:00

i never would have thought that my little post about YES on Prop 8 would make such waves. okay, very little waves, like waves you probably couldn't even surf on, but waves just the same! guys, i am on a BLACK LIST for a NO on Prop 8 website! how awesome is that?

http://lezgetreal.com/2008/10/yes-on-prop-8-blog-roll.html (at the bottom as Turn It Down)

and just as an update, i stand firm and strong by my decision to vote YES on Prop 8. despite all the arguments out there, very good ones too, i cannot deny the feeling, the knowledge i have deep down that marriage is defined as a union between a man and a woman only.

ugh, it seems wrong and unfair to so many people, and i truly feel badly about it. so when i say i want to protect and preserve marriage, i mean that i want to keep the marriage union itself sacred -- which in case you haven't noticed is a fight i and others have lost looong ago. by that, i mean i'd probably vote against legalization of marriage between heterosexuals in some circumstances ... if it were possible, like no getting married when you're drunk, no getting married in a Vegas quickie chapel, no getting married if you're still a teenager, no getting married to your best friend's ex, no getting married if you're a moviestar celebrity, etc. i'm totally half joking, but do you get the idea?

marriage should not be taken lightly. i don't believe that marriage should be redefined on a whim because some people feel it's unfair that their lifestyle makes them stand out as being different. please, just understand that you are different. hey, hello! i'm different! i have to accept some things, too, like people assuming i'm from China or something. actually, my grandparents were born in Thailand which explains the way i look physically, but i am totally and full-blown American! why don't i go petition, start a rally, throw a hizzy fit and see if all the other Asian Americans out there can change the law so we can be considered legally white people? how about that? of course not! sounds really ridiculous, right?

anyway, i've said too much. so i'm kind of famous, that's all i wanted to share.

brilliant me

2008-10-20T17:47:00.005-07:00

i just made a batch of no-bake cookies and added a cup of leftover homemade German chocolate cake icing to it. excuse me while i go and do a Homer Simpson on sugar, chocolate, coconut, pecan, and peanut butter heaven. [make sound here]

if my husband were a blog

2008-10-15T10:04:00.009-07:00

i think i might have a "relationship" with my computer. i've been seduced by the daily dose of blogs my Google reader presents to me as gifts (my love language, by the way). and i especially enjoy being with my computer at night, typing away, stalking people, giggling. anyhow, i can't seem to let go. in fact, Sam said to me late one night with a super sad look on his face, "i wish i were a blog so that you would pay attention to me ..."

AHHH! omg!! what kind of wife have i become?? i'm horrible!! then i got to thinking about it. what if Sam were a blog ... ?

so, my husband has three very distinct sides to him: finance, surfing, and music.

if Sam were a blog (not had a blog, he would never join us nerds), i'd see a sidebar of Bloomberg financials, ticker symbols, a Dow Jones widget, and instead of pics of us together, his favorite excel spreadsheets. then in the main portion there would be endless surf videos, smacktalk commentary, fantasy surf rankings, his favorite surfers including all their stats and all the guys over 6' highlighted (because he is over 6' ... cute), and then there would probably be links to all his favorite bands plus concert highlights, somewhat similar to what i have. also, there might be a real-time player of all the current musings of songs and lyrics swirling around in that adorable head of his.

aww.

okay, so i promise not to neglect Sam anymore. i don't want him to be a blog. he's way more fun and interesting as a real person. plus, my spare time is going to quickly disappear. i start my brand new full-time gig next week! SO excited to join the real world again. i will absolutely continue my at-home writing and PR gig too, so yeah, planning to be one crazed woman.

anyways people, coming from someone who is weak, keep those inappropriate computer relationship issues under control!

quick weekend get-away to CHICAGO

2008-10-13T14:16:00.009-07:00

hung out with good friends Kelly and James
spent a girls day in the city with Kelly
swings on Navy Pier (twice!!)
special K reunion ... *tears*
rocket pockets reunion, a.k.a. Eric proposes to Becky!!! ... more *tears*
fun fun fun

dear mr. would-be president,

2008-10-07T21:28:00.009-07:00

i'd like to request ...

a president who supports people like me and my husband who have worked our butts off to get an awesome education in order to work prestigious jobs in order to make the kind of money we deserve so that we can buy a house in the place where we want to settle down in and live happily and comfortably with the best health care that we happen to pay big bucks for because we have earned it and to be taxed the same as everybody else because why should we be taxed more to help people who don't know how to manage their money and who have made choices to live outside their means, or who don't have any AMBITION, or who cannot seem to think beyond the now???? and healthcare IS a privilege, not a right, i'm sorry. if we have to pay for healthcare, then so should everybody else.

hmph.

i did not grow up privileged. as someone who was raised by a single mother whose husband ran away and never left a cent, according to many statistics, i should have been that girl who dropped out of high school, who had a child out of wedlock, who has been divorced, who's working her way up at a fast food chain, and who's living a good deal off of welfare. but no, i made decisions that would someday ensure i did live a privileged life, my parents and my grandparents also made decisions to ensure a better life for their posterity, and i believe everybody has that same opportunity. hello, we live in America!

i think the "little people" need to understand that privilege may take several years or even a few generations. it will ALWAYS require a ton of sacrifice. be more independent, please! i'm a minority, and i know my grandparents and parents have struggled and have made many sacrifices. i admire them for having enough pride and vision to make success their own without crying to the government to save them. in my generation, i think we are finally seeing and reaping the results. perhaps you are in the "struggling" stage right now. don't despair! keep up your hard work. you'll see privilege in your lifetime, but if you don't, your hard work has not gone to waste. your kids or your grand-kids will thank you for your persistence, integrity, and hard work to ensure that a better life is passed on to them. and that better life is much deserved and worth protecting.

i'm telling you, i have zero sympathy for those who abuse the government systems. that is my hard earned money you're taking away from me. taking away MY American dream. an American dream that my family and i have worked so hard for. it is SO unfair that these abusers are getting sympathy and financial assistance from the government while responsible citizens like myself watch our net worth tank and our dreams go down the toilet because of the pathetic economy caused by bad choices and greed. the economy should be a number one priority for you, mr. president.

so whoever you turn out to be, mr. president, when you assume presidency please do your best to restore pride, independence, frugality, patience, and responsibility within the hearts and minds of the American people.

thank you and sincerely,

must-have of the season: SPIDER KILLER

2008-10-03T12:35:00.010-07:00

note: scary pictures ahead. but if you're feeling brave, be sure to click on the pics for a better view.

poor, innocent me. all i did was walk out my front door to check the mail. i took one step and froze in my flip flops. LOOK WHAT WAS TOTALLY BLOCKING MY WAY.

totally shivering and have goose bumps right now. the web stretched across both banisters, i had no way out. mind you, this was at the top of our stairs which means i was a mere one or two feet away from that hideous, gigantic spider. i turned around and went back inside. to grab my camera. HERE'S A CLOSE-UP.

eewwwww ... so gross. i know i will have the willies for the rest of my life! as i pondered (a.k.a. freaked out) what to do next, i noticed our friendly neighbor cat sitting a few steps down. he hadn't seen the spider. as i was taking pics, Friendly Cat sauntered up the steps to say hi and the tip of his tail bumped the web, sending the spider into a frenzy. i backed up ... WOA, scary. i went inside again to scream and then grabbed the spider killer spray. you have no idea, we live in spider-ville. i knew it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. i was prepared to kill.

dying from the spray's fumes ...

dying ...

dying ...

dead.

hinman ave.

2008-10-02T08:08:00.010-07:00

since Sam and i have been married, we've always liked the idea of having a painting that reminds us of our favorite memories from the amazing places we've lived. it's fun to remember each city this way. we have a special painting each for Provo, Los Angeles, and now Chicago ... yeah, we're slowly growing our collection (maybe we should move more?). eventually we'll get a painting of Huntington Beach once we've made some memories here.

isn't our new Chicago painting so lovely? it's a mini-painting (5 x 7) by our good friend Justin who graciously took my wishes and demands and turned them into a masterpiece. the painting is a rendition of our former home address, beloved Hinman Ave. for those of you familiar (or not) with Hinman, if you continue walking down that leaf-covered sidewalk there you'll hit Northwestern University. everyday, Sam walked this sidewalk to attend a bunch of stuff at Kellogg -- classes, group meetings, Special K rehearsals, Rocket Pockets practice, recruiting events, etc. Sam and i also enjoyed taking long walks on Hinman, either on our way to Lake Michigan to catch a glimpse of downtown (we'd walk towards campus and then take a right on Sheridan), or sometimes we'd walk in the opposite direction of campus and make our way down to Main Street and back. we'd enjoy the fresh air and had great fun commenting on the variety of houses and trees and flowers. we even made friends with a funny little cat on Hinman.

ha, i know that just made us sound like we're 65 years old or something, but seriously, long walks are the secret to our marriage. we absolutely love it. thank you, Justin!

am i the only one who ...

2008-09-29T10:59:00.008-07:00

likes pineapple on my pizza?
eats leftovers for breakfast?
listens to songs on repeat?
loves McDonald's?
hates brushing my teeth?
is having a hard time feeling strong about either candidate?
lives in HB and doesn't have a beach cruiser?
likes going to museums?
doesn't have kids yet and not in a big hurry, either?
thinks Sam is insanely hot just the way he is? (i.e. don't call him gaunt or skinny!)
doesn't shower everyday?
from my high school doesn't live in UT anymore?
kind of wants to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua?
likes liverwurst?
doesn't need to live by family?
wants an itty-bitty tattoo?
hasn't figured out how to make pot roast?
loves watching scary movies?
still takes a million years to get ready?
doesn't text?
would rather read Reader's Digest than People?
is still secretly on top of all the celebrity news?
doesn't like wearing perfume?
believes in God?
is worried about the PR industry in this economy?
can't live without chocolate at hand's reach?

i used to be sooo cool

2008-09-26T14:50:00.008-07:00

my little sister Anna turns 16 in a few days. how fun to be a teenager ... seriously!

lately, Anna has been asking me a bunch of questions about what i was like when i was her age, so i told her i'd dig through my old journals to find out. oh, wow. memories!! freekin' hilarious. like, the best reading EVER. me, boy-crazy?!? heh-heh. i also found one of my old student i.d. cards -- awesome. so today, i thought i'd share a tiny bit of my teenage self with you below.

note: my journal's name was B. no particular reason. and i had really bad grammar.

September 19, 1997 -- 15 years old

Hey B.!
Wus happenin? Today was the best day! I had lots of friends today and all the guys said hi to me and they were all CUTE and I felt so loved today! Boy 1 is so so so so so hot and sexy and fine and cute and funny! i heart him!!!!! I spotted him keep looking at me in the hallways when I passed by. I pretended I didn't know he was there and I side-ways saw him looking at me!! Then at lunch I think he was following me! But, I don't know anything, but still!!!! He was with one of his friends and they were like whispering and nudging and that kind of stuff. I hope I wasn't just dreaming!?!

March 13, 1998 -- 16 years old

Hello B.,
How are ya? I'm fine. I've been having some pretty bad hair days lately. It's pretty sad. I've had really cute clothes days, though. And I'm having all these guy problems. I hate boys! I can't believe I actually have to marry one. Boy A is a good looking dork/jerk, Boy B is nothing but a big fat flirt-a-holic, and I don't know if he's going to ask me to Prom or not, and I just called Boy C and he doesn't want to go to the dance tomorrow. And I hate Boy D!! He drives me nuts!!!!!!!!! All his friends keep bugging me to give him a hug and he's always following me and looking at me! Why can't someone cool like me??

November 4, 1999 -- 17 years old

Hello B.,
On Friday I was having some doubts. I totally felt like the most ordinary simplest person on the planet. I had overheard a conversation about some people I thought I knew. I thought everyone had lives like me. It's been kind of a sport for me. To figure if other people have regular lives like me. Like, do other people actually sit around at home? etc. If I could spot maybe one clue that they did, then I would be satisfied thinking we were all the same and all. But I realized on Friday that it wasn't true. This one girl who was talking seriously had a life like on a soap opera! Everything was so complicated, there were lots of people involved, etc. That day I came to the absolute conclusion that I HAVE NO LIFE!

January 17, 2000 -- 17 years old

Hello B.,
How are you today? I am going to write in cursive today. Cursive is an art. Anyway, today there was no school. We need more of these days. School is such a chore for me. Well, it will be a new semester with new classes. I'm pretty excited. Hopefully I'll get some interesting new classmates. I want a class with Boy 2, or Boy 3, or Boy 4. Why are my boobs so small? Why won't they grow anymore?

me, the shrink

2008-09-22T13:34:00.004-07:00

married life is bliss, just not 100% of the time. Sam and i have good intentions, but as much as we would like to not disagree or to not get on each others' nerves, we do all the time. all the time. believe it or not!

sometimes i want to sit Sam down and say, "i think we need to take a break. yes, i'm totally breaking up with you. but only for today or for the next few hours, OK?" except in real life i just give him the silent treatment -- ugh, i am so mean.

i just think it's important to recognize that marriage is hard work, but worth every bit. no marriage is picture perfect. when you are having one of those "days," just take a break from each other even if it means sitting in separate rooms for a while. then get back together, make up, play a board game to bring back some laughter and fun (we like Boggle), then ... you know.

:)

thoughts on a Weds afternoon

2008-09-17T13:39:00.007-07:00

as some of you may have noticed, i've been blogging more frequently. number one reason, i work from home now! at least for the time being, i'm still looking for something perfect out here to keep me busy full-time. i officially started my own editorial and communications company and it's been coming along splendidly. well, what's a word for almost splendidly? that would be it. if i were making my millions by now, then i could confidently say splendidly. regardless, it's been a fun and exciting experience. the most fun was creating my logo. yes, in fact, it was way more fun than getting my first paycheck. my dad, the world famous artist, helped me out with it. you can check me out on my web site (oooh! ahhh!) at www.cheerfuleditorial.com. it's still under construction, but it's real and it's mine.

so back to blogging, yeah, i'm posting more often. and i thought i'd write today about how much i hate the smell of cigarettes. it gives me an instant headache, and i so do not desire a headache right now. i'm sitting here at the Coffee Bean at Beach & Talbert waiting for our car to get a tune-up (it's supposed to take, like, 2 1/2 hours) and since it's freezing cold inside the Coffee Bean, i'm forced to sit outside. la la la, it's beautiful here in Huntington Beach as always. sunny, perfect 70s degree weather, light cool breeze, palm trees swaying ... EXCEPT, i can't even hardly enjoy it because i happen to have a headache! thanks a lot, you young hooligans smoking next to me. uuug!!

of course, everybody has the right to enjoy a Coffee Bean creation (right now i'm trying to enjoy -- between inhaling clean air at moments when there is no smoke -- a delicious pumpkin ice blend) and smoke outside if they want to, but WHY??? WHY do you smoke?? it's sooo bad for you and makes everyone around you despise you and you're giving nice people like me headaches. i'd move somewhere else, but i don't think the other near-by places (hm, let's see, coin laundry or matsu japanese restuarant) have free wireless ... and i need the internet to keep me entertained for freekin' 2 1/2 hours!

smoking does seem really sexy sometimes in the movies, though, i'll admit. but don't you think the cons hugely outweigh the benefits? unless you're sexy and you star in movies, there should be zero reasons to consider smoking. still, i feel bad for those people and hope their fame and money make up for having dying, black lungs.

i wish some of you were here with me, i plan on going to IKEA after this to look for picture frames and dream of finally owning a house someday. sigh, while everybody else in America is having a feeding frenzy over cheap housing prices, we're here in the OC where guess what??? houses are still insanely expensive. prices have gone down some, but some is not great when we're talking one of the higher ends of the spectrum. oh well, it's worth it to be here. we don't mind waiting when it means finding perfection (hopefully).

until then, i'll just enjoy moments like this when i can blog away carelessly on a Weds afternoon.

wall street crashed, but at least Santa is still fat

2008-09-15T14:47:00.007-07:00

don't get me wrong, i think it's great when overweight people lose a bunch of lbs. very commendable. takes a lot of hard work, determination, and endurance. i'm not overweight, but there tends to be a halo of extra gravity surrounding my rear end and it's been tough keeping things perky, so i can totally relate. but, have you ever thought about extra weight as an integral part of one's personality? that maybe getting rid of that weight would be bad instead of good for you?

i know a lot of people don't like Star Jones. but i remember her back in the day when she was a member of the hit show (gasp!!!) The View (believe it or not, it was actually somewhat of a non-embarrassing show to admit that you watched once upon a time ...), and Star Jones was all nice and fat. i liked her back then. i liked her fat. i thought it made her, i don't know, huggable and sassy. super mean, all those fat jokes about Star Jones. but now ... ew, she looks ghastly. bad mistake to get thin.

and just think how horrible it would be if Santa Claus were depicted as lean?? nightmares! what if Santa decided that his eating and exercise habits were unhealthy and that from now on he was going to limit his diet to eggs, smoothies, and wheat grass and build up his biceps and get a six-pack and then top it all off with a glowing spray tan? i'm glad Santa would never do that, though. that's at least one thing we can count on in our downward spiraling world.

sigh. what a day.

i love this woman

2008-09-12T15:02:00.003-07:00

Meg Whitman, the recently retired CEO of eBay and no stranger to the prestigious lists of Forbes, Fortune, and TIME magazine, to name a few, is the most amazing woman EVER!!! she's inspirational, successful, smiley, loves to sing, a wife and mother, worth billions of dollars, powerful, conservative, down-to-earth, graceful, savvy, intelligent, funny, genuine ... she just rocks. i aspire to be like her. there's also some buzz that she will run for CA governor in 2010. woo hoo! i'd totally vote for her. who do you admire and why?

p.s. i know she is one of McCain's national co-chairs. thx for not making any assumptions.

off the deep end

2008-09-11T07:24:00.011-07:00

can i just tell you, i was SUCH an emotional wreck yesterday. i cried FOUR times. what is wrong with me??

1st time: during the afternoon, i was preparing a talk for church this Sunday and as i was practicing my talk in front of the mirror i just started crying out of nowhere, like, two sentences in. either i was feeling super spiritual about my deeply inspired and thought-out topic or my brain is totally whack. i think my brain is totally whack.

2nd time: later after Sam got home from work, we were watching The Simpsons. it was the episode where Homer loses his drivers license so he starts doing all this walking (actually VERY funny), and then Marge gets all frazzled because she's become the chauffeur for everything and then her hatred for Homer grows and grows until she accidentally tries to kill him and then they go to marriage counseling and the shrink tells Homer to take Marge out to a romantic dinner so she feels appreciated and it turns into this big deal with all the neighbors and Homer even invites a member from The Pretenders to play a song for Marge, and (breath) as soon as this dude starts playing his piano, i start bawling again!! omg, how touching!! Sam didn't know i had already cried once before, so he's like, "awww! you like The Simpsons! me, too!!" i think he secretly fell in love with me all over again. little did he know, i'm just TOTALLY GOING CRAZY.

3rd time: Sam and i have been trying to catch up on Lost for a while now and we had only two episodes left in season three. and Charlie TOTALLY DIES!! NOOOO! i burst into TEARS, like sobbing, while Charlie was writing down the top five best moments in his life and the number one moment was the day he met Claire ... AHHHHHH!!!! by this time, Sam's like, "dude, stop it!" he's all stoked that Locke is still alive, psh, whatever. Locke is insane and loco. poor Charlie!!

4th time: so we're finally in bed and i can't sleep. i keep thinking about Lost and then i get to thinking about the time we lived in Evanston where we first got into the show. then i start thinking about how funny it was when after watching a bunch of episodes super late into the night (because you can never watch just one), we would get too scared and wound-up to fall asleep, so we'd go on these long walks to try to figure out what the heck was going on. our late night walks were so awesome with the huge trees lining the streets making all kinds of spooky shadows, and the vintage houses looking all haunted and the streets would be all foggy and misty from the lake, and then we'd get freeked out even more! sigh, memories. and then i thought about how beautiful our street was and how this time of year is the BEST TIME EVER in Chicago, omg, fall is SO beautiful. and that's where i cried for the FOURTH time.

i need help.

on politics, PR, speaking well & glorifying your image

2008-09-02T23:26:00.011-07:00

"EVERY TIME YOU HAVE TO SPEAK, YOU ARE AUDITIONING FOR LEADERSHIP."
-- James Humes, American lawyer, speaker, and author

one thing i learned recently that i LOVE about the selection process of Sarah Palin as the Republican vp candidate was that McCain and his people had watched tons of video clips of all the vp candidates and made their final decision based largely on Palin's ability to speak well and present herself as a leader. they examined the way she addressed large and small audiences, how she answered the media's questions, and her ability to command respect and attention. ooh, very smart. i spent many long hours at my previous job working to help the c-suite executives of my clients learn to speak and present well in order to be perceived as leaders so that in return, the public would then perceive their companies to be leaders in their respective industries. we trained these execs to realize that every time they got up to speak, they were auditioning for leadership. it works, obviously. very cool to see PR in action.

with all that said, know that i am still neutral and totally undecided at this point. it's hard to try and focus on the ISSUES vs. the flashy speeches and witty comebacks. yet, so interesting to observe how image is playing such a huge factor in the American people deciding who will be the best president. if someone is a great speaker, super charismatic, and seems totally leader-ly (Obama, anyone?), we the people are sold like that *snap*! but can you blame us? we are all so guilty of placing too huge of an importance on image. because image = identity, right? how many times a day do we consider brand names when purchasing items? how many hours a week do we spend trying to make ourselves outwardly beautiful (or handsome)? and how often do we indulge in celebrity/entertainment magazines and tv shows and wish we too had millions of dollars to buy all the pretty (yet superficial) things we desire?

anyway, back to the whole amazing speaker = amazing leader thing. i do think it is a good concept and something to perhaps incorporate in our everyday communication with people (am i going back and forth here?). the way we present ourselves really does speak volumes. i would think that most of us want to be seen as a person who possesses leadership qualities, so do file away the quote in your brains somewhere. it's a good one.

HA! HA! HA!

2008-08-28T14:00:00.012-07:00

you gotta try this: www.yearbookyourself.com

way ahead of the game

2008-08-27T09:57:00.003-07:00

i've come up with the greatest Halloween costume idea. i know, i know it's only August. so you know from a previous post about my crush on Will Smith. it got me to thinking, aaand Sam and i are TOTALLY Will & Jada. he's huge and she's tiny. Sam's huge and i'm tiny. he's super nice. Sam's super nice. they've been married forever. we've been married forever, and so on ... i know this has got to be the cheesiest post ever, but i don't care! so for Halloween, i think Sam should dress up as Will's Men in Black character (or maybe Fresh Prince?) and then i can dress up as Jada's Matrix character. sooo hot. hahahahahahahaha!

protect marriage

2008-08-24T23:42:00.006-07:00

i support a YES vote on California's Proposition 8, a November ballot measure that would YES, amend the state's constitution to ensure that marriage between a man and a woman ONLY will be legally recognized.

honestly, i've been torn about my position on this measure for weeks. many churches and organizations in CA are working to drum up community awareness about Prop 8 in an effort to protect traditional marriage, and i have been indirectly asked to volunteer my time to this cause.

my first thought when i heard about Prop 8 was, "hm. i have gay friends and i want nothing more than for them to find happiness with someone they love, like i would for any individual, so why would i want to fight for something that could potentially cause them unhappiness?" also, how exactly would same-sex marriages hurt families? a family is not just a mom, a dad and some kids. i did not think it was fair to say that children were not part of a family if for some reason their home did not consist of both a mom and a dad. and then i thought of all the children who might get adopted as a result of same-sex marriages, that would be good. and then i thought that in a world of so much hate and war, if two people loved each other and brought happiness to each other, and because of their happiness they created less hate in this world, why stop it?

and ... why go all public about Prop 8 (scary!) if i do happen to be against same-sex marriage? i can help protect and endorse traditional marriage quietly, but still effectively, by just setting a good example. right? so yeah, from there, it seemed like a no-brainer.

BUT i've learned that this whole Prop 8 thing isn't about what i think or what you think, it's not about hurt feelings, it's not even about tolerance. this is about me realizing that yes, i do want to protect something that i know is God-ordained. in other words, while society today may be disagreeing on what the definition of marriage should be or should be changed to, marriage has already been defined by God as a holy and fundamental union between a man and a woman, and that's a good enough explanation for me.

10/29/08
for first-time readers, thanks for coming by. before you chew me out, i'm having doubts and second thoughts. please see my latest thoughts here.

back from a summer family visit

2008-08-18T00:39:00.005-07:00

this is my little family as of yesterday. i seriously can't believe how big my sisters are. i am 10 years older than my next sibling, Anna, who is seated with her hair pulled back. i am 13 years older than my next sister, Jemi in glasses, and 18 years older than my youngest sister, Sailor (she's SUPER adorable, huh?). so basically, the entire time i lived at home they were babies ... or not born yet ... Sailor didn't come along until i was a freshman in college!

for the first time, i feel like i am finally able to talk like a normal person to Anna. she's matured a lot, and it's fun to listen to her talk about the boys she likes, her upcoming birthday pool party, and our shared humiliation over our mom's embarrassing sense of style. Jemi and i were able to bond on a new level, too. she's in middle school track and cross country, and i used to be too, so we went jogging together around the neighborhood and chatted about things like school shopping and how fun it would be to run into the ice cream man. anyway, it's just that i'm so used to treating them like i am their baby-sitter! and oftentimes, i feel so old compared to them it's like i'm more of an aunt than a big sis. finally, we are becoming like real sisters -- feels good.

when i was little, i dreamed of having siblings to play with. my paper dolls and stuffed animals were getting pretty boring. but with a single mom, it's not like siblings were very easy to come by. but then it all worked out in the end.

so thankful for my family.

just a plain jane?

2008-08-02T01:04:00.020-07:00

oh, how fun was our SE Asia trip. and at the same time, what a significant learning experience about ME. i kind of got to see myself as Asian people (true Asian people, like who were born in and live in Asia) view me: as a really regular, not-so-unique, super plain type of person. i guess i'm not used to that.

as an American-born Asian, sometimes i forget i'm not like everybody else. when i get comments here like, "oh, you're so exotic," or "i love Asian skin," or "you have such gorgeous hair," it makes me feel a little weirded out because in my head i'm thinking, "i'm just like you, what are you talking about?" but then i look in the mirror ... oh yeah, i am different. i guess in a good way? but i don't feel different ... ugh, it's weird.

anyway, what i am used to is strangers giving me a second glance. i'm used to the shock in people's faces when i introduce myself using my full name (where's the ethnicity?). i'm used to people i meet for the first time asking me where i'm from and for the 50 millionth time seeing that effing expression of disappointment and confusion on their faces when i tell them i'm from Utah (don't worry, i probably hate saying i'm from Utah as much as the people hearing it). ha, i remember one time in my Utah high school some new kid started talking to me during lunch. after a few minutes of friendly chatter he said to me (he was obviously very impressed), "wow, your English is really good! how long have you been a foreign exchange student?" ooooh, i wanted to punch him so hard. but could you blame him? when i was one out of two Asian people in my entire high school??? that comment was probably my first wake-up call that i was different. but just on the outside, right?

when we were in Asia, i expected people to treat me normally. and by normal, i meant the way people treat me here. actually, i didn't know there was or would be a difference until this whole Asia trip. on our flights to Asia and back, for example, the Asian stewardesses on the Asian airline we were flying would, without fail, greet me in Japanese/Thai/Lao/Chinese/you name it, and then in the same breath greet Sam, Pete and Rachel in perfect English. of course, giving them the benefit of the doubt, how could the poor stewardesses know -- just like that boy from high school? i look Asian, i am Asian, so why not greet me in my possibly native tongue? but still, it bothered me! even Rachel noticed. we laughed about it because it was a funny observation.

and let's talk about service. when we would go up to hotel reception desks or other places where we would expect someone to help us with something, they would talk to Sam and completely ignore me. sad, i guess i wasn't special enough. and Rachel was getting comments left and right about how beautiful she was, and while duh she is beautiful, i was totally ignored. hellooo people, what about my gorgeous hair, don't you like that? don't you just love my Asian skin or exotic features??? hmph. like i said, i am Plain ol' Jane in Asia.

another wake-up call, reality or whatever, i'm just glad to be back home where i can be ME again. OH, and another thing! i swear, while we were in Koh Samui (Thailand) and Singapore where we saw plenty of scantily clad *ahem* *ahems*, i was so paranoid everybody else on the streets was assuming i was also one of "them" ... considering i was hanging on to Sam's arm the whole time. uuuuuuggggg!!! it was so humiliating, yet i had no reason to be. Sam thinks i was totally overreacting, but i just couldn't help it. definitely a moment where the phrase this blog was named for made an unwanted appearance.

but ANYWAY, despite all my self-reflection/borderline crazy-lady issues, we had a fabulous time. below are a few pictures from each area we visited. i hope you enjoy.

Siem Reap, Cambodia (Angkor Wat)

Bangkok, Thailand

Chiang Mai, Thailand

Ko Phi Phi, Ko Tao and Ko Samui, islands of Thailand

Vientiane and Luang Prabang, Laos

Singapore

tired of squatting

2008-07-11T08:36:00.002-07:00

sawatdee caa!! ("hello" in Thai)

we're about half-way through our amazing Asia vacation, just thought i'd take a little break to say hello. we spent three days in Cambodia exploring the Angkor Wat temples, two days in Phuket, Thailand, three days in Chiang Mai, Thailand, and two days in Bangkok, Thailand. after a couple more days in Bangkok, we're going to spend some time in the little islands near Phuket, then we'll go up to Laos, and then finish up in Singapore.

so we are totally roughin' it! for example, sam and i packed only one backpack each. yes, as a pretty girly girl, i fit all my belongings for one whole month into one little backpack. somebody please give me a prize.

this first half of the trip, sam's little bro Pete and his wife Rachel are with us. it's been so fun hanging out with the second coolest Hawkins couple. love you guys! :)